Might Have Been
by Mrs.Robward
Summary: "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been'" A fic of few words about that;  living, loving, losing, moving on, but always wondering... what might have been. **Complete**
1. Bella, Prologue

_**A/N: PLEASE READ**_

_I won't be leaving many author notes on this fic, so please at least read this one._

_**First:** This fic is wrote for my wifey, beegurl13. I don't have a lot to offer her, so I'm giving her what I can, and this is what she wants. A fic filled with drama and angst and love and heartbreak._

_**Second:** This is my first attempt at writing a drabblish-type fic. The punctuation & stuff is like it is on purpose._

_**Third:** The POV of the chapter will be noted._

_**Fourth:** _ Special thanks to **Rose Masen Cullen** and **Ttharman** who read over some of this and told me to post it, and that I wouldn't be laughed out of the fandom. __

_**Fifth**: _This is titled after a poem. I will post name later within fic.__

_**Sixth**: _ I love reviews, like seriously. I may not respond but I swear I will read it. Probably more than once. __

_**LAST**: **IF YOU NEED A TISSUE WARNING**, consider yourself warned. **For this whole fic!** It may or may not make you cry. No promises, no guarantees._

_BRANDI, I LOVE YOU. I HOPE THIS PLEASES YOU! (and you cry buckets ;)_

* * *

><p>it's pathetic that i can look at the calendar and know exactly eight years ago today where i was<p>

what i was doing

how i felt

i was on your arm

by your side

on top of the world

homecoming queen

with her homecoming king

envied

treasured

loved

adored

the future was ours for the taking

we were going to conquer the world

together

forever

you were my first kiss

my first boyfriend

my first love

my first

everything

as i was yours

two people in love

deeply

until one day

we weren't

/ / /

i hate that i remember

and feel

so much

so often

always

and that it makes me sad

and lonely

i want to move on

i want to forget

to get over you

i wonder what it takes to let it go

let us go

because whatever it is

i don't seem to have it


	2. Edward, Prologue

_(my hubs takes my daughter to school every morning and they hold hands on the way)_

* * *

><p>i drive past our old high school every day<p>

it never fails to remind me of you

of us

some days i smile

some days i don't

i wonder if you ever think of me

of us

if you ever wish things could have turned out different than they did

because i do

i wish

don't get me wrong

my life is good

but i know it could've been better

with you

with me

/ / /

Lillyana grabs my hand as she does every morning on our drive to school

sometimes i think she can read my thoughts

when i smile

she smiles

when i'm sad

she squeezes my hand

rubs over my knuckles

says "i love you daddy"

i fight back the emotions

especially the conflicting ones

i love her more than life itself

but i still miss you

think about you

still wish

wonder if it will ever be different

or better

"i love you baby girl"

she opens the car door and walks into her school

her world

she takes my heart with her

every time

but only half my heart

because

the other half

i left with you

years ago


	3. ch 3, Bella

**~B~**

(seven and a half years prior)

"i hate this"

the tone of your voice hurts my heart

tears slide down your cheeks

you won't look at me

"me too"

i can't look away from you

our legs touch as we rest against the car but there might as well be galaxies between us

"you know this is how it has to be edward"

i beg for you to understand

"whatever bella"

the coldness in your voice freezes over my heart

cracking it

breaking it

"please don't be this way"

you're making it worse

but with a shake of your head you say it all

yet i plead anyway

"we're going away to college

you on one side of the continent

me on the other

how else can it work?"

my voice betrays my fragile strength

this is killing me too

"this isn't goodbye edward"

i don't think i'll ever be able to let you go

"this is just me trying to make this easy on the both of us"

please

"i know b

but this isn't easy

not at all"

you finally touch me

my hand

linking me to you

even if it's just a little

our fingers fit so perfect to the other

can you feel it?

"it's just that i'm going to miss you so much"

your words with so much weight

your hold tightens

squeezes

my sobs break free

"i know edward

me too

but someday soon we will both be back in this crappy little town

and we will find each other again

i just know it"

you wipes your face with the back of your other hand

erasing your tears

your sadness

"that will be our time edward

this isn't it

this is just the prelude to our forever"

someday

"i hope you are right b

i don't want to live without you"

just a whisper

so soft

"me neither edward

i love you too much to stay away from you for too long"

i already miss you

miss us

"i'm going to hold you to that"

your smile is barely there

but i drink it up

"please do

please"

hold me to something


	4. ch 4, Edward

**~E~**

(six years prior)

my mother said you decided to stay in new york for the summer

why couldn't you tell me yourself?

i realize our texts and emails and phone calls have become sparse

but i would have rather had heard it from you

i might have even came to new york to see you

it's been over a year bella since i saw you last

obviously you don't miss me as much as i miss you

if you did

you would be here

with me

instead of there

doing whatever

i don't like this

it feels like i'm losing you

and we promised forever

even when we knew it wouldn't be easy

i was willing to fight

but if this is a battle i've already lost

i will throw in the towel

i will give up

i can't stand the emptiness inside me

it's easy to convince myself you're not worth it when you don't even show up

that we are not worth the fuss

my time

my worry

my tears

i could be having the time of my life in california at school

instead of missing you like fuck

that's all i seem to do anymore

and i think i've finally had enough

my dad was right

the magic of a first love is the ignorance that it will never end

when clearly

it's already over


	5. Ch 5, Bella

**~B~**

(five years prior)

i'm so cold

and it's just not because of the weather

i stand here in my old room

alone

staring out at the delicate snow

so much is different

yet still the same

/ / /

it's christmas

i came home for winter break

my mom

she's not doing so well

/ / /

i miss you

more than words can say

but i heard through the grapevine you have a girlfriend

and that she's at your house right now

that's the only thing that's stopping me from coming over there

i can't see that

i can't see her

with you

i would rather die first

i know i did this

i pushed you away

i heard things about you

what you were doing in california at college

or who you were doing

and even though we were broken up

are broke up

going our separate ways

doing our own thing

hearing those things

hurt me

you hurt me

so bad

i wanted to move on

forget you

i wanted revenge

to get your back

to hurt you

so i stopped returning your emails and your calls

i changed my cell phone number

and i hoped that you felt every bit as empty as i did

but then i missed you more

and i hated myself for it

more than i hated you

it made me sick

/ / /

i don't even want to leave this house

in this town

i'm a prisoner

i'm terrified i might run into you

or her

and as much as i want to see you

i definitely don't want to see her

with you

or at all

so i guess this is it

we really are over

i'm not even sure if this house

if this town

is even my home anymore

or if i belong here

not if you're not here waiting for me

wanting me

i think it is more like my own personal hell


	6. Ch 6, Edward

**~E**~

(five years prior)

she's lying here beside me in my bed

her hair as gold as

gold

so opposite of you

and not what i want

or prefer

or need

/ / /

being here in this room magnifies this

this hole in my chest that aches for you

i thought i could handle coming back home

i thought i'd be all right with her being here with me

that she could cushion the blow

but i was wrong

she makes it worse

i see her

and want you

i kiss her

and want you

i hear her

and want you

and i touch her

and miss you

times one gazillion

she will never be able to fill these holes in my soul

she need not even try

/ / /

she knows about you

i've told her a little

not much

not all of it

she would hate me

she'd be able to see right through me

she'd be able to see how much i still love you

so i play it off as though we were nothing

you were nothing

you are nothing

instead of being everything

/ / /

she pulled out my high school yearbooks

you were all over them

once i swear i even smelled your fruity perfume when she opened it up

she saw our homecoming picture and said we made a cute couple

i almost corrected her

make

not made

/ / /

my knee won't stop bouncing

i need you

i don't know if the snow

or the ice

or the cold

or the girl in my bed

can keep me away from you

i know you're home

i want to see you

i need to kiss you

taste you

just once more

you're like a drug to me

a drug that is near extinction

a hit that i may never be able to have again

i tell myself

'one more time'

but will it ever be enough?


	7. Ch 7, Bella

**~B~**

i don't know how that i feel you

i don't know how that i know you are near

but i do

i feel it

feel you

its indescribable

my blood runs quick through my veins

my breathing accelerates as though i've ran a race

and i came in first place

i'm hyper aware

of everything

i've missed this feeling

so much

this high

i'd lost it among all my sorrow

and pain

my loss

i thought i'd never feel it again

yet i hear your car outside

your wheels

packing down the snow

slow and heavy

unsure

i can't contain myself

my body wants to leave my skin

i go to my window again

only so you will see me

see my invitation

i will never turn you away

no matter what

i need you like the dirt of the earth needs water for nourishment

sunlight for growth

seeds for rebirth

i need you

only you

i touch the frozen window pane

the tips of my fingers cold

while the rest of my body burns


	8. Ch 8, Edward

**~E~**

i slowly open my car door

i don't know what i'm doing here

only that you're like a siren to me

summoning me

calling me to you

and it's a call i can't ignore

i see you standing there

in your window

your silhouette so beautiful

i've missed you so

no one takes your place

with me

ever

you must know this

your hand raises

your fingers splayed on the frosted glass

i wait

unsteady

you disappear

do i stay

or do i go?

what do you want from me?

then your front door opens

a doorway to heaven

the faint light so welcoming and warm

it shines around you

illuminating you

an angel

i float in

"edward"

you say my name

as though it's been tickling your lips for months

an angel's song

i respond with a lullaby of my own

your name

so sweet on my tongue

so harmonious to my ears

"bella"

my love

my life

how i've missed this

missed us

you step toward me

each movement of your feet taking too long

precious seconds wasted that you could be in my arms

so i stride over to you

two steps tops

the outside world forgotten

now that you are in my arms

just as it should be

always


	9. Ch 9, Bella

**~B~**

in your arms i am so content

and happy

how have i lived

breathed

functioned

without this

without you

with me?

i don't care who's back at your house waiting on you

or what the neighbors think when they see you pull into my drive

i just need you

more than i ever have

/ / /

i turn my face into the skin of your neck

"come upstairs"

your arms fall lower

your strong hands supporting me

you lift me

my legs wrap around your waist

my arms tighten around your neck

my lips stay against your skin

my tongue sneaks a taste

i whimper at what i've missed

you groan at what you've missed

if only time would slow for us

we could live in love

in paradise

/ / /

you carry me up the stairs

down the short hall

you know my room

like you know your own

you kick my door closed

you know my dad works nights

you push me up against my door

i slip down a little

enough to feel you

your cock hard against my pussy

i bet you have a wet spot on your jeans

i hope that bitch can smell me on you

you grind into me

i push into you

clothes are a nuisance

i want like i've never wanted

i need like i've never needed

finally your lips touch mine

i want to cry

this is too much

but not enough


	10. Ch 10, Edward

**~E~**

i think i'm in a time warp

i've went back to the past when we were together

when i was the king of the world

and you were my girl

and i could please you with my fingers

my tongue

my dick

all night long

no sex is as good as it was with you

is with you

what kind of spell do you have over me?

i almost come from kissing you alone

and your wet hot pussy grinding on my dick feels so good

i must have gone back in time

and i'm fifteen again

and you're all i think about

every second

of every day

and i would worship the ground you walk on

i do

worship you

i'm already on my knees for you

your thigh atop my shoulder

my face buried between your legs

my tongue tasting you

your hand squeezing your breast

your other buried in my hair

holding me to you

as if i'd back away

as if i'd rather be somewhere else

you chant 'edward'

long and slow

trying to find your release between the vowels and the consonants of my name

it's there baby

right there

you quake

and i am

king of the mother fucking world


	11. Ch 11, Bella

**~B~**

i pull you up to me

and push you toward my bed

you

are

not

going

anywhere

i can faintly smell myself on your face

it awakens a hunger

a possession

like i've never known

how did i ever push you away?

you make me feel

so much

your pants fall to your ankles

you fall backwards onto my bed

your gorgeous cock standing at attention

waiting for me

leaking for me

i want

i waste no time

i straddle you

position myself over you

let you fill me

like you always have

the tears burn my eyes

the burn fills my soul

i want to live right here

connected to you

filled by you

til the end of days

i tug for you to strip off your shirt

bare

i hide my face from your all-knowing eyes

i begin to move

chest to chest

thigh to thigh

skin to skin

you to me

i rise and fall

you push and pull

oh yeah

never stop

dust to dawn

you slow

the saltwater in my eyes threatens to leak

"don't stop"

i beg

"let me hold you"

you beg

your arms circle so tight

me to you

our edges blend

more one than we have ever been

i feel you twitch inside of me

hard and thick

growing

i push down again

grind

lick your neck

your ear

causing you to burn like the fire that i am

burn with me

"shit"

a plead

a confession

i know you can't hold back any longer

i feel your heat

your climb

your lips against my face

open

gasping for air

fill yourself with me

my air

my taste

my love


	12. Ch 12, Edward

**~E~**

the black of night is a costume

a place to hide

a disguise

you lie beside me

floating down from the euphoria

we found together

but now it fades

leaving in it's place

regret

confusion

hurt

anger

chaos

you curl into me anyway

i know you feel all these things too

they dance along your skin

jump over to mine

and play us like a quartet

you sniff

i know you're crying

a new emotion engulfs me

guilt

i want to stay

with you

forever

but we both know that's not going to happen

you are over there

i am over here

no common ground

besides this

and that

different worlds

intercepting

i'm tempted to give it up for you

i wonder if i would like new york

better than california

would you welcome me?

i know i love bella

more than i love bree

some answers are just easier

it's the questions that are proving to be difficult


	13. Ch 13, Bella

_(remember, they are young, immature, unsure)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

i sense the distance

as it creeps in between us

not making room for anything else

not words

or confessions

or declarations

only empty space

and cruel realities

"i'm sorry"

i admit

because i am

so sorry

"me too"

i can feel it in your voice

/ / /

i wish to see your eyes

your face

your soul

if only the night wasn't so dark

if only the moon would share his light

just a little

but he's hiding too

he cowers from us

ashamed

/ / /

"you should go" i say

words so sharp

they cut the throat and tongue

they slice through the air

straight to the heart

"i know"

you say defeated

you move slow

cold

away

from me

the expansion multiplies

between us

but i understand

you have to go

"i miss you"

i have to stay it

i have to release those three words

they're nothing more than poison in my heart

eating me alive

killing me from the inside

"i miss you too

so much"

your voice cracks as you say those six words

and i feel the break

everywhere

/ / /

you dress

i watch

i'm ashamed i want you again

but i do

always

i don't know what to say to you

you won't hear me say goodbye

ever

i'll never say that to you again

i turn away from you

watching you is as hard as letting you go

i'm dying here

this hurts so much

and yet i wouldn't trade this night for anything

i'd gladly take away years from my life to do it again

the things you give for love

the pain you hold on to

if only one could cancel out the other

the world might know peace


	14. Ch 14, Edward

**~E~**

i look at us through another's eyes

the answers seem so easy

so back and white

instead of the gray that they are

the answers

we let go because holding on was too hard

is too hard

but we never did let go

not where it matters

not in the affairs of the heart and the soul

but now there are others involved

and things have changed

people we've brought into our lives

new lovers

new friends

new towns

new lives

and now it's a choice

one that neither of us are willing to make

yet

why is everything so gray?

and dark?

and hurt so much?

"please"

i say as i reach the door

not knowing exactly what i'm asking for

but asking anyway

you answer with a sob

the door knob cold in my fist

"i'll always love you bella"

i state

another cry from you

soft and hard

at the same time

but it's true

i will

i do

i've always heard that it's holding on that makes you stronger

makes you tough

resilient

but i know the truth

sometimes

it's letting go


	15. Ch 15, Bella

**~B~**

the holidays are a blur

i'm a mess

i'm lost in my own skin

in my own world

it's dark here

and lonely

and i just want to run away

but where would i go?

/ / /

i make up an excuse to go back to new york early

my new home

the busy city welcomes me

with open arms

but something's missing

i feel like i've left something behind

someone?

myself maybe?

or maybe it's you?

but you don't belong in this world

this is me surviving without you

just barely

but no matter what

/ / /

emmett meets me at my apartment for dinner

he asks about my visit back home

i tell him it was fine

not that it was so so good

and so so bad

he asks about you

if i saw you

he knows very little about you

because you are mine

not to be shared

or corrupted by anothers attitudes or thoughts

you are so precious to me

i tell him i didn't get to see you

i lie

then i begin to cry

and he assumes it's because my mom is sick

and dying of cancer

and i'm overwhelmed

he doesn't know that it's because of you

and the ache that you left within me

when you said what you said

after you told me you'd always love me

and then you told me

'goodbye'


	16. CH 16, Edward

**~E~**

i thought i was a better man

i thought i'd never lie

never cheat

but i will

i did

for you

i wonder what to say

to bree

to my sister

to the world?

what if they can see you in me?

because you're here

with me

i think i'll carry you around forever

with me

i'm not strong enough to be without you

not yet

/ / /

bree asks me question

after question

i think she knows where i was last night

and i'm trying to find it in me to care

that she knows

but i don't

/ / /

on the drive back to california

she states she knows i came to see you

and that's it's all right with her

she says she understands we have history

she thinks we're still friends

once again

i don't correct her

lovers

not friends

she's too pure for me

but if she's willing to put up with me

who am i to complain?

it's more than you're willing to do


	17. Ch 17, Bella

**~B~**

emmett's a good guy

he cares for me

i know he does

it's there

in his eyes

his touch

sometimes i think he thinks he loves me

but he doesn't

not really

he doesn't know love like i know love

we knew love

the kind that defies logic

and reasoning

and drives a person mad

that's our love

was our love

it's rare

and it's a miracle

and it doesn't happen every day

but when it does

when the magic touches you

you're never the same

that's how i know he doesn't love me

not really

and it's okay

i don't love him like that either

i never have

never will

that special love only happens once in a lifetime

and i've already been blessed


	18. Ch 18, Edward

**~E~**

time rolls on

hours

days

weeks

months

the spring is here

i miss you

the summer is approaching

fast

i still date bree on occasion

we decide to take it slow

slower

because sometimes it works

we work

but sometimes

we don't

we always seem to be lacking something

i tell her i don't know what it is

but i do

it's everything that we had

you and i

bree and i

we don't have all that

it's more a friendship type of thing

take a fun night

add some alcohol

and a random fuck

that's good

but not great

and you have what bree and i are equal to

not even on the same planet as you and i

not even close

/ / /

the question of the month is

"are you going home for the summer?"

i'm not sure

am i?

i want nothing more than to call you and ask you

"are you coming home for the summer?"

because if you are there

so am i

with bells on


	19. Ch 19, Bella

**~B~**

i'm not going back to forks the summer

again

but i think about you

wonder if you are

if you're going to bring your girlfriend home with you again?

if you're taking her down to la push beach?

if you're skinny dipping with her in your grandparent's pool?

if you're fucking her doggy style out in the gazebo in the garden?

like you did me

so many times

/ / /

i told emmett

confessed

broke it off with him

he said i was breaking his heart

and i hate that

because i know how that feels

i admitted that i don't love him

not enough anyway

that he deserves more

more than what i can give

he cried a little

but his tears didn't move me

not like yours did

just another confirmation

he's not the one

but i hug him

and hold him

on my apartment steps

i let him cry on my shoulder

and i cry along with him

because love is a bitch

a cruel one

love has no remorse

no pity

but i think we can still be friends

emmett and i

not you and i

i don't want to just friends with you

not now

not ever

and i know that sounds so mean

so cut and dry

all or nothing

but i'm not sure i can live with less

settle

at the end of the day

i realize you're all i really want

when all the confusion clears

and i think about my life

my future

i can't think of anyone else i'd rather have next to me

forever

than you

is it possible?

or just a dream


	20. Ch 20, Edward

**~E~**

i love my sister

i do

i love alice

she can be such a genius

she heard you were staying in new york again for the summer

and she knew i was bummed about that

so she found a reason for us to go

for a quick trip

she say she has a few things she needs to do there

so it's a short visit

she doesn't understand my relationship with you

i don't argue

because i don't quite understand it myself

but i thank her

and kiss her cheek

i hug her

and mean it

she tells me she even got your address

in new york

from your dad

have i said i love my sister lately?

/ / /

i didn't get nervous on the plane

or in the taxi

but as soon as the car stops

and he barks "here you are"

i want to puke

i look down at the numbers scribbled on this scrap paper

then i look back up at the street

all the apartments in a row

i feel small

and lost

out of place

but i take it like a man

i get out out of that yellow death trap on wheels

and eagerly look for you and your place

i have no idea what i'll say

what you'll say

if you'll even be glad i'm here

shit

maybe this wasn't such a good idea

/ / /

i walk down the sidewalk

reading the numbers

down the street i see someone who looks like you

she's standing outside on her steps

her face buried in some guys shoulder

arms around the other

he's a big guy

i slowly approach

and say a silent prayer it's not you

but as i get closer

i know it is

i feel it in the matter of my bones

my feet become heavier

my steps slower

hesitant

my world shifts on its axle

i wasn't prepared for this

he's crying

"please, bella"

and i know the feeling

you shush him

your fingers in his hair

so wrong

my skin tingles

and not in a good way

my stomach drops

i'm not sure where it lands

but it's painful

i'm frozen

i never thought one of the worst days of my life

would be seeing you in another man's arms

but it is

i quickly turn to leave

to flee

only to run over an innocent

"watch out you prick"

the contents of his paper bag spill

i mutter an apology and squat to help him pick it up

shit shit shit

this isn't helping

"edward

is that you?"

your voice skates over my skin

cold and hot

i'm done for

there's no backing out now


	21. Ch 21, Bella

**~B~**

my arms fall from emmett's shoulders when i hear the commotion behind us

i wipe the tears from my cheeks

the drip from my nose

and i turn

and i see you

i freeze

it can't be

but i know it is

somehow

the air is crisp

crisper

the energy around me intensifing

the weight on my shoulders

the throb in my heart

is less

because it's you

"edward

is that you?"

my feet have a mind of their own

you are right there

kneeling before me

i kneel down to you

eye level

you look scared

worried

not happy to see me

but you're here

"edward?"

i have to say your name

i need to know if this is a dream or not

don't wake me if it is

"bella"

it's not

a dream

my breath stutters

joy

"you're here"

i launch myself at you

we tumble backwards

you catch us

just in time

in your arms

again

"i'm here"

this is better than a dream

any dream

i slowly back away

off you

as much as i don't want to

we need to get off this nasty sidewalk

i stand

reach out my hand to you

you take it

so willingly

so perfectly

new york has never been better

your eyes shift behind me

crap

i forgot

emmett


	22. Ch 22, Edward

_(if it helps: they graduated in 2000, B prologue 2008, E prologue 2009, new york visit 2004)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

you pull me behind you

your hand in mine

where it has been so many times before

your hand thinks it's home

or at least mine does

in yours

/ / /

we walk toward the guy standing on

what i assume

are your steps

your fingers dig into my skin

i squeeze back

relax

me

you

relax

we climb the stairs

slowly

until we are face to face

with him

"edward

this is emmett"

i wave with my free hand

no description

no explanation

ex?

boyfriend?

friend?

"emmett

meet edward"

nothing there either

but your voice is lighter when you say my name

i like it

it sounds good coming from your lips

again

"i'm sorry bella"

his voice is raw

angry

his face is red

his fists are tight

the skin of his knuckles white and stretched

"i have to go"

he won't even look at me

but i feel his shoulder as it knocks into mine when he rushes past me on the steps

"emmett"

you spit

all mad

with venom

i feel your tension

"i'm sorry"

i move closer to you

he's gone

you relax a little

"don't be sorry"

you say

okay

i won't

simple

he's gone

"you're here"

you say again

and your smile

i feel it in my gut

i can't help but laugh

"yeah

i'm here"


	23. Ch 23, Bella

**~B~**

"come upstairs"

i tug your hand

lead you

i immediately think of the last time i said that to you

a girl can wish

"lead the way"

you follow

i don't want to look away from you

this is too good to be true

but if i don't watch my step

i'll fall

again

/ / /

i let you in my tiny apartment

but it's me

mine

it fits good

you look around

i'm still in awe

that you're here

/ / /

"you're here"

i say it again

maybe soon i'll believe it

then you step toward me

closer

you wrap your arms around my shoulders

close enough

i melt

into you

i grab your biceps

holding you tight

pulling you in closer

you tell me one more time

"i'm here to see you

just you"

finally

i feel your breath on my cheek

blowing my hair

your arms holding me again

heaven

i hear your heartbeat

loud in my ear

i smell you

time slips away

you are here

with me

dreams do come true

every day

i have proof


	24. Ch 24, Edward

**~E~**

it feels good to be here with you

right

it's a good i haven't felt in a while

we sit at your small lopsided kitchen table

you bake us a frozen pizza

we drink a beer

or a six pack

and we talk

like we haven't talked in years

because we haven't

and we laugh

so much

this is what i miss

so much

at one time

you were my best friend

among other things

but when it's like this

so easy

i think that this is what i miss the most

my best friend

you

and how we fit together

so well

we talk about college

alice

forks

you tell me about emmett

i tell you about bree

and it's still easy

/ / /

when the sun sets

we move to the couch

close enough

and talk more

the moon soon high in the sky

we both yawn

but we don't stop talking

and laughing

you cry when you talk about losing your mom

i apologize for not being there for you

you shake your head

the conversation shifts to memories

of me and you

of us

the air thickens

i want to hold you

again

you lay your head on my shoulder

close enough

it's like there's this imaginary line drawn between us

we're not brave enough to cross it

not yet

this is too good

to push for more

just yet

the sun starts to peek out in the sky

and we both drift

into the land of nod and sleep

together

again


	25. Ch 25, Bella

**~B~**

sleeping on this couch

is not a good idea

but sleeping on this couch

with you

is the best

most smartest

idea ever

i have to move away from you

your hand hot and heavy on my thigh

your lips

still so pink and pouty

and perfect

your messy hair

still looks so right

my head close to your lap

your morning wood

mouthwatering

i have to have distance

or i can't be responsible for my actions

/ / /

i sit and watch you sleep

it's late in the morning

but then again

we had a late night

i gaze as your chest rises and falls as you breathe

you are perfect for me

do you know that?

i still love you

so much

but you scare the shit out of me

why are you here?

we haven't talked about the present

or the future

of us

not yet

and that's what scares me

because

why are you here?

i pray it's not to break my heart again

but i know what will happen

if you do

break my heart

today

or tomorrow

i'll still love you the same

i'll just love you with all the little pieces


	26. Ch 26, Edward

**~E~**

i wake up confused

in a strange house

on a strange couch

and then i remember

you

and instantly

i feel at home

/ / /

we had such a good night

it was as if we erased all the bad

the negatives

the missing days

weeks

months

years

and we simply forgot

forgave

and we were good again

things were good

but you're still not mine

and i'm not yours

we just are

/ / /

we avoid the necessary talk

the what-if's and what's next

that conversation

seems to renders us mute

/ / /

you're in the shower

i hear the splash and fall of the water

i rise to stretch my aching muscles

i look around your place

so comfortable

so easy

so you

it makes me smile

i kind of like new york

i step over to the multitude of picture frames lining your bookcase

a trip down memory lane

you and your parents

you and me at graduation

you and my parents

you and your best friend

you alone

you and me at the beach

you and me

on the cruise ship

at prom

at homecoming

on your front porch

us

so in love

where did we go wrong?

i know the miles between us don't cancel out the love

but can we ever be what we used to be?


	27. Ch 27, Bella

**~B~**

i open the bathroom door

there you are

waiting on me

and you smile

and then i smile

and for a brief moment in time

i don't miss you

because you're here

you have one arm stretched out

hand propped on the doorway

the other hand on your waist

with your elbow bent

your head is downcast

your hairs a mess

a sexy one

your feet are bare

your shirt is wrinkled

your jeans are too

you look up at me through your lashes

and the world flips

or at least new york city does

my world

my hands are wringing the towel in my hand

what now?

we stare

time stills

how does one say everything that's in their heart?

their mind?

inside me?

how am i supposed to explain it to you?

are there words with that much emotion?

words so heavy

yet so light

so binding

yet so free

my mouth opens

but all i do is breathe

your eyebrows raise

but all you do is breathe

this room

this apartment

this loft

suddenly feels crowded

too small for the both of us

my arms pull into my sides

you nod your head toward the bathroom

"my turn"

you say

i'm embarrassed

i thought you were waiting on me

not the toilet

"yeah

whatever

make yourself at home

shower if you want

er

need to" i fumble

the words

they still don't come easy to me

even the words that don't mean anything


	28. Ch 28, Edward

**~E~**

i stand unmoving in the shower

the water so hot my skin turns crimson

but i'm at an impasse

i came here to see you

visit

and i did

but now the leaving is coming

a time to exit

and i don't know how to leave this

leave us

leave you

but i do

have to go

back to my life

my other one

and i don't know what to say

what to promise

how to make my feet move away

from you

from us

/ / /

i don't know if i should give into that need

the one that hungers for you

that desires you like the necessity of oxygen

is that what you want?

is that what you need from me?

to devour you?

and then walk away?

because i'm not so sure that i can

walk away

and not know when i will see you again

if i take that hit

indulge in that fix

of you

i'll crave more

and more

it's how i work

when it comes to you

how i am

please just tell me what you want from me

and i'll give it to you

the best i can

the moon?

the stars?

the pure crystal clear water from the bottom of the deepest ocean?

done

just say it

it's yours


	29. Ch 29, Bella

**~B~**

while u clean yourself up i fix breakfast

lunch

brunch

my steps seem lighter

like they have springs

it's because of you

thank you for that

i power on my ipod on its dock

as i cook and clean up after myself

i hum with the music

knowing better than to sing aloud

my hips sway on their own accord

my head bobs

my fingers tap

/ / /

the room warms

you

i jump when i feel your presence enter

silly girl

it's just that boy

you laugh at me

it sounds so good

i giggle back

you step closer

i see something different in your eyes

they are usually so green

what i imagine the ocean would look like

if the sea bed were emeralds instead of sand

so so green

but now they are a darker hue

one you would get lost in had you no light

so deep

it stops my breath

for just a second

before i gulp for more air to fill my lungs

a gasp

another step closer

so close

yet so far away

i'm spinning

and dizzy

and scared

and want so much

and so little

help me choose


	30. Ch 30, Edward

**~E~**

standing behind you the kitchen

i watch you dance

hum along with the music

you're dressed so simple

so you

yet you're so beautiful

i don't know how i was ever fortunate enough to call you mine

lucky enough

but i was

the food smells delicious

but i imagine you smell better

taste better

you make my mouth water

make my body come alive

in ways i can't explain

but it's a high that i willingly reach

every time

/ / /

i step closer

closer

closer to you

until my fingers raise on their own violation

they reach for you

want

need to touch you

feel you

i brush the silky strands away from your face

softly trailing my fingertips along your cheek

your skin

the outer shell of you ear

with a little pressure i tuck the hair away

my eyes follow my fingers

watching so intently

burning an imprint of you in my mind

of us

like this

you look nervous

so still

so cautious

i would never hurt you

not knowingly

our eyes meet

finally

i swim in the crystal shimmers

buried among the browns

so intense

they find me

your eyes

they see me

like no one else does

i love that

/ / /

the introduction of a song begins to play

and it makes me swoon

that was our song

from our high school prom

me and you

we danced

and we owned that sticky gym floor

we let ourselves be swept away that night

do you want to do that again?

fly away with me?


	31. Ch 31, Bella

**~B~**

this song was ours

is ours

that night you held me so tight

i was proud to be yours

on your arm

by your side

your eyes never left me

mine never wavered from you

it was such an intense feeling

to be wanted by you

needed by you

i thought we'd live that way forever

wanting the other

like there was no tomorrow to ever want for

/ / /

i feel it again

as you tentatively wrap your arm around my waist

the other loosely holding my hand up

elbows bent

legs relaxed

feet shuffling

the proper dance

the one we learned when we took that class

ballroom dancing

now that was a blast

except that space between us

the one that's yours

and the one that's mine

we ignore that

we don't keep away

we share that space between us

we sway back and forth

i rest my head on your shoulder

i fight to keep the tears at bay

you whisper the words in my ear

the lyrics

just like you did years ago

my arm tightens around your neck

you lead my upheld hand to fall and land on your shoulder

curl around your neck

joining the other

we draw closer

both your arms circle my waist

holding me snugly

you correct your slouch and stand up taller

my toes lift off the floor

and you keep right on swaying us

singing to me

and my heart breaks and mends all in the same beat

* * *

><p><em>*the song is Amazed by Lonestar, beegurl13 picked it out, they graduated in 2000, so it fits with the year &amp; the lyrics are PERFECT! (link on profile<em>)


	32. Ch 32, Edward

**~E~**

you feels so at home in my arms

dancing in your crowded kitchen

playing our song

and even though we're broken up

and you're not my girl

at least not in so many words

the world isn't such a shitty place right now

my parents aren't riding my ass about my grades and my career choice

my friends at school aren't bugging me about going out and partying

alice isn't whining about anything

bree isn't fighting with me

and you

you welcome me as though i just saw you yesterday

and we didn't leave the other

and we still have this relationship that nothing can touch

even though life did

life touched it

broke it

and we let it go

for whatever it's worth

i wish we hadn't

if we could go back and change it

i would

maybe we should just work on the future instead

not keep remembering

the old us

and hurting

the new us

there's a sweet victory in forgiving and moving forward

i want that victory

/ / /

the song ends

you draw back

your arms loosen like a silk tie untying

gradual

reluctant

but they still hold on

to me

yet now i get to see your eyes

and as your sight falls upon me

and it might as well be Y2K again

and the world is in an uproar

the computers are going to crash all over the planet

the world might even end

but it was our year

spent together

in each others arms

it feels just like that

again

* * *

><p><em>(can you tell i have this silly little love affair with words? i love making them pretty)<em>


	33. Ch 33, Bella

**~B~**

here i am again

being held by you

blanketed by your security

smelling your essence

soaking up your warmth

loosing myself in your strong arms

feeling as though nothing else matters

nothing

just being right here

right now

with you

/ / /

sometimes inches are too great

too far away to be away from you

i tangle my fingers in your hair

pull your lips to mine

taste you again

drink you again

let your lips

your tongue

move my heaven and my earth

you rock my world so easily

like it's your job

your purpose

and i am so fucking thankful for that

/ / /

you carry me over to the couch

not even watching where you step

my feet still dangling

your arms still wrapped around me

how is this so easy with you?

after all we've been through?

all the distance

all the moving on

all the crying

all the hurt

how can you make me feel so whole again?

so good that i never want to break ever again?

/ / /

the sun leaks though the small windows

warms our skin

as we shed our clothes

you pull me down on top of you on the couch

never close enough

your mouth moves over my skin

my hands reach out for you

touch

map

feel

i pry myself out of your hands

i slip down to the edge of couch

your eyes dark

and watching

my hands trail down your chest

scratch over your thighs

tease the soft hair of your legs

my knees rest against the hard floor

i hold you hard and ready in my hand

before i lead you into my mouth

wanting you like you are water

and water is life

and i am the desert

and the most powerful sandstorm is on the horizon

and i need to taste life

one last time


	34. Ch 34, Edward

**~E~**

i watch you work me over

take me to the edge of sanity

to ecstasy

right there

so close

it's almost too much

"stop"

i grunt

because it is too much

this has to last longer

our time is borrowed

you lessen the suction

curtail your tongue

your eyes so indefinite

as they look up at me

from down there

with me still in your mouth

the look of submission looks good on you

"come here"

i demand

needing you so badly

so bad

unhurried you rise

and i reach out to pull you

bend you

claim you

make you mine

again

/ / /

i use my fingers to breeze over your skin

so flushed

so hot to the touch

your nipples harden for me

waiting to be licked

but i know that's not what you prefer

you'd rather have my mouth elsewhere

/ / /

i can't take my eyes off your face

watching the way you let me love you

the only way i still can

my hands squeeze you

arouse you

until you moan my name

then i know it's time for more

i palm your sex

so wet

and slick

burning hot

my fingers zip over your pussy

darting in and twisting

just a little

enough to get you hotter

begging for more

saying my name

like it's the last name you will ever say

* * *

><p><em>(i love it when you tell me your fav partslines ;) THANK YOU, more to come... get it? hehe)_


	35. Ch 35, Bella

**~B~**

you grasp my hips

hard

your grip is stronger than you realize

you pull me to land on the couch

under you

then you cover me

with your body

with your eyes

with your kisses

i willingly suffocate

let you steal my air from my lungs

all of it

take it

/ / /

your eyes look over me so reverently

it terrifies me

i close my eyes

i just want to feel you

on the outside

not in the inside

not where the darkness lingers

i want you to fill me

make me forget

make me soar

you push in

pull out

too slow

i plead for more

harder

faster

take me there

you don't stop

even when i think you've stopped breathing

you murmur my name

over and over

you sound so needy

so beggared

if only i had more to give you

i would

let you have it all

you push in hard

then rise up to hover over me

your eyes are hooded

your hair damp against your forehead

your chest heaving

you still

and look down at me

you stop my heart

you look as sad as i feel

even though we're doing this

right here

right now

loving each other

the rest is such a clusterfuck

it'll never be easy

be right

i hate it

"just love me edward

please"

i ask

i beg

your breath stutters

your eyes glass over

"i do"

you whisper

so sad

your squeeze your eyes shut

i reach up and cup your hands in my cheeks

and pull you down to kiss me again

and you take me there

again

and again

we fly


	36. Ch 36, Edward

**~E~**

some hour in the evening

we fumble our way to your bathroom

we shower

together

we fall into bed

together

we doze and awaken

together

entering and leaving dreamland as though it's our choice

always touching

holding

reassuring

sometimes questions crack the silence

"when do you have to leave?"

sometimes it's answers

"in the morning"

sometimes it's moans

"oh edward

don't stop"

sometimes it's merely sighs

"ahhhh

yessss"

but it's always you

and always me

together

for as long as we can be

"when are you coming back home to forks?" i ask

"christmas

i guess" you shrug

your leg hitches higher over my thigh

making me hard again

this will never get old

get tiring

never

"can i see you then?"

i hold my breath

"i hope so"

you sigh

you roll over on top of me

your hair curtains around me

i outline your legs with my hands

moving up your calves

your thighs

your ass

your back

your shoulders

your neck

i fist your hair

and tug

just a little

"i want to spend winter break with you"

i announce

seriously

you grind down on me

soft and wet against hard and wet

"yeah?

do you?"

you joke

you lean down to kiss me

my hands tighten in your hair

i nod

then i kiss you back

hard

"okay"

you answer with a huff

breaking our kiss

kicking your lips

"okay"

i smile

and silently celebrate

and try to keep my heart from beating out of my chest


	37. Ch 37, Bella

**~B~**

as the sun begins to crack the darkened sky

i become restless

you're leaving soon

and though we've established we'll see each other in six months

what until then?

i knew this was coming

it's the fall after the rise

except this time

there's a little hope there

something to look forward to

/ / /

we're still snuggled together on my bed

showered and clean

clothed

ready to part

but not willing

"so

how do we do this edward?"

i wonder aloud

you sigh and shift to lay your head on my chest

"i'm not sure"

well

that makes two of us

i run my fingers through your hair

letting the satin relax me

"how about this"

i propose

"let's keep it simple

we talk when we can

email

call

whatever

but let's not complicate this"

complicate us

"no expectations" i add

you begin to tickle under my shirt the skin around my waist

"okay

so

no expectations"

you say

agreeing

"are you sure that's all right with you?"

you question so unsure

it's endearing

"edward

it's okay

i don't know how to do this either"

i admit

"i don't want to disappoint you bella"

words that mean so much

especially coming from you

i shake my head

"you won't edward

i think we should just keep it easy

you know?"

you roll over to face me

you're biting your bottom lip

you're already worried

your chin propped on your fist

"we have enough on our plate without the complications of a serious relationship

don't you think?"

i ask with a smile and hope to lessen your worry

"you're right

i just don't want to fuck this up again"

and once again

that makes two of us


	38. Ch 38, Edward

**~E~**

i leave new york

without telling you goodbye

you won't let me

you make me turn and walk away

from you

you tell me not to look back at you either

i do anyway

and it hurts

but in a good way

because i know before long

you'll be in my arms again

/ / /

alice and i fly back to forks

i spend the rest of the summer there

missing you

thinking of you

of us

it's bitter sweet

being here without you

remembering us

anticipating us

but i get by

/ / /

my parents still hound me hard about my classes

and school

and keeping a clear head

staying focused

they didn't approve of my trip to new york

they don't approve of my speaking to you again

but they never did approve of us

or of bree

or anyone

and it has never stopped me before

/ / /

sometimes we talk on the phone for hours

others for minutes

i love getting random texts from you throughout the day

and your emails

i read them over and over

i like the distance between us

it gives us a chance to rebuild our friendship

our relationship

our more

of course i wish you were closer

but there's plenty of time for that later

/ / /

fall quarter starts back

school is killer

i'm almost failing two classes

my parents will shit themselves if they find out

/ / /

you say your school is tough too

our calls become less frequent

our emails

our texts

why does life have to be so consuming?

i try not to worry

and think about what you're doing way over there

but at times

the angst eats me alive

especially when you don't answer my calls

and it's three in the morning

what are you doing?

i don't think i like this distance thing any more

you are too far away


	39. Ch 39, Bella

_(the last chapter, this one, & the next one all overlap in time, you'll see)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

so we do this

it's a long-distance-friendship-with-a-hope-and-possibility-of-more kind of thing

at first it's easy

during the summer

all i have is time

to give to you

and you to give me

like i said

easy

but then classes resume

and my time is sucked right out from underneath me

i hate it

/ / /

i share a class with this girl

her name is rosalie

but i call her ro

we hang out a lot

she soaks up my spare time

she doesn't give me any other option

she's wild

and beautiful

but she takes my mind off you

that's a good thing

she drags me out to clubs

she forces me to dance

and drink

then dance some more

and live like a college girl should

we stick together

no boys

and it's fun

and time passes quickly

thank goodness

/ / /

i keep missing your calls

we stay out too late

and then i pass out dead on my bed

it doesn't smell like you anymore

i hate that too

/ / /

ro knows everyone in the city

every place 'to be'

and we always get in

and sometimes we're treated like celebrities

it's a life i could get used to

if you were here

but you're not

so i'll count the days until winter break

until you

/ / /

i'm sitting on my couch worried about you

i haven't heard from you in weeks

i mean not a single call

text

email

nothing

you don't answer my calls

are you avoiding me?

ro knocks on my door and let's herself in

"get up bitch

let's go"

she pulls on my arm

i check my cell again

"i think i'll stay in tonight"

i pull my arm out of her grip

"no

you won't"

she plops down beside me on my couch

"you are not staying in tonight and waiting on that loser to call you b"

i shouldn't have told her about you

now she knows too much

"listen

he's out in cali living it up

and i refuse to let you mope around in self pity

waiting on him to maybe contact you again

that's bullshit b"

i look down at my phone in my hand

again

"it's halloween weekend

lots of good parties

maybe even a haunted house

let's go bellllllla

pleeeeeease"

my cell mocks me

it's still silent

i send you one last text before i drop my phone back into my purse

'i miss you'

then i leave with ro

taming the nightlife of new york city one party at a time


	40. Ch 40, Edward

**~E~**

it's fall in california

i love this weather

i wonder if you like fall in new york

i haven't talked to you in almost two weeks

i'm more depressed than i care to admit

my roommate james knocks on my bedroom door

telling me the party of the year is tonight

that we just have to go

part of me would rather stay home

in front of the laptop

with my cell in my hand

waiting on you to call

text

or email

skype

anything

but another part of me is hurt

and pissed

confused

aggravated

and just wants to get drunk

have a good time

stop fucking worrying about you

so on that thought

i leave

/ / /

the party is huge

so many people

the liquor is free flowing

bottomless cups

in no time at all i'm numb

and mellow

and i feel fucking fine

a few females approach me

i ignore them easily

they take a hint

but then bree sits down beside me

we talk

and laugh

soon she's in my lap

and i miss you

and i miss sex

it's been three months

and i'm drunk

drunk enough to not care too much

or any at all

but the weight of her ass on my dick feels good

i can't help it

before long we're in the back seat of my car

she takes off my shirt

she sees my new tat

the small 'b' i had inked over my heart

she thinks it's for her

i don't argue

i just want her to ride my dick and shut up

make me forget about how much i miss you

she licks my chest

my reminder of you

my 'b'

my devotion

i close my eyes and try to concentrate on getting off

my body is almost too numb to feel her bouncing on me

i finally come

and push her off my lap

before i throw up outside my car

"are you all right?"

she asks as she dresses herself

"i will be"

although i won't

i hate myself

i hate my life

again


	41. Ch 41, Bella

**~B~**

i call home at thanksgiving

i feel bad for my dad

he's there alone

he tells me not to pity him

that he has friends to visit

but i still do

feel bad for him

my dad and i confirm my plans to come home for christmas

even though i haven't talked to you since sometime in october

i'm still going home

it's like you dropped off the face of the earth

i hope you're just busy

damn do i hope

my dad starts telling me about your sister

how 'that cullen girl' got pregnant even though she's not married

how the whole town talked about it for weeks

and i roll my eyes

the small scandals in a small town are so big

i wonder about alice

and who she settled down with finally

dad drones on

but i'm still thinking about you

and if i'll get to see you or not

/ / /

i've been home for days

no word from you

but i know you're here

i saw your car at your grandmother's house

but i didn't stop

i get the feeling you don't want to see me

talk to me

and my heart hurts

because i don't know why

and i don't know what to do

every day i check my phone at least twice an hour

waiting on you to contact me

but you never do

/ / /

i head off to the grocery store

i'm going to cook a christmas dinner for my dad

i was hoping you would join us

but i haven't heard from you yet

i try not to think about it

it makes me ache

way too much

i just don't understand

i see your mother near the produce

and i see a blonde girl standing beside her

i go to say hello

to be polite and friendly

maybe find out about you

"esme

hello"

with her usual condescending tone she says hello back to me

my eyes keep darting over to her

the woman beside your mom

then she introduces her

'"this is bree"

my heart plummets

"edward's girlfriend

and bree

this is bella"

i feel like i'm going to faint

i dont understand

i don't know if i smile or not

but somehow i reply

"hey"

or i try

"they're expecting a baby in june

isn't that wonderful?"

your mother doesn't sound too excited

wait

what?

"esme"

bree shakes her head

the words sink in

my eyes fall to her stomach

bree's stomach

i see no swell

it can't be

she's lying

bree starts to speak

and she points her finger at me

i can't look away from her midsection

"aren't you edward's old friend?"

i drop the small basket in my hand

my contents spill

i have to get out of here

"i'm sorry

i have to go"

i turn to leave

careful not to trip over the items on the floor

i can barely see through the tears that sting my eyes

my whole body cramps

there was this one time when i was ten

i fell flat of my back from my swing

from way high in the air

knocking the breath from my chest

i recall the unsettling seconds before my lungs expanded again with air

as i reach my car

thinking of you

and her

and your baby

i feel the exact same way

breathless

stunned

almost dead


	42. Ch 42, Edward

**~E~**

sometimes you can control what happens in your life

sometimes you just think you have control

and then sometimes

fate fucks you up the ass

and life controls you

dictates what happens next

all your plans

all your goals

aspirations

dreams

gone

changed

you make one simple mistake

and everything goes wrong

everything

/ / /

one night

one drink too many

one meaningless fuck

and i'm screwed

bree's pregnant

with my baby

she's not happy about it

she cried on my couch for a week

but neither of us wanted her to abort it

and neither of us want to give it up for adoption

so we really don't have any another choice

i don't hate her for it

it was very much also my fault

like i said

fate had other plans for me

i've avoided talking to you

i don't know how to explain this

not to you

there is no easy way

no matter how i analyze it in my head

it all sounds wrong

because it is wrong

so very wrong

i brought her back to forks with me

so we could break it to my folks together

they are so pissed

my mother cried

told me how i just ruined my life

she made it sound so much worse than it really is

my dad doesn't have to say anything

i see it in his eyes

but i don't know how to tell you

how to get you to understand

that this is not what i wanted

i wanted you

wanted us

forever

but now i have this responsibility

and i don't know if you and i can work around that

bree and i have already discussed it

she told me she loves this other guy

but now he won't have anything to do with her

and i told her i love another girl

i don't tell her who

i can't

but bree and i agree that we have to try

for this baby

to work something out

to give this baby a good life

she doesn't have any money

or a stable place to stay

all she has is me

and all i want is you


	43. Ch 43, Bella

**~B~**

i sit in my car

in the parking lot of the grocery store

for hours

shivering

freezing

cold

it's starting to snow again

i just can't

i just can't believe this

how?

why?

i can't think

i can't feel

is this real?

you?

she?

how am i?

i don't even cry

i'm too detached

because i am so broken

what did i expect?

not this

oh my

why?

are you?

now i know why you have avoided me

you fucking coward

i wish i was angrier

i wish i could scream and tell you how much i hate you

but i don't

so i won't

/ / /

blank

but i still get home

somehow

dad asks about dinner

i lie

i tell him the store didn't have what i wanted

and that now i feel sick

he tells me to go on to bed

he doesn't have to say it twice

the steps are tall as i climb

the feeling is returning to my limbs

my chest

my head

my heart

and it hurts

so much

how do i move on from this?

the ultimate heartbreak

now there will never be an us

you have to give yourself to her

and to your unborn

you have to

and you will

because you are a good guy

and that's what good guys do

or you used to be

but how am i supposed to go on living

knowing the one i loved so much

will go on

and love someone else?

forever


	44. Ch 44, Edward

**~E~**

i stay in my old bedroom

lonely

scared

disappointed

my body heavy

my heart broke

sad

i hear my mother and bree return from the store

they're trying to be friends

i'm not sure how much it will help

i told my parents bree was my girlfriend

but she's not

she knows she's not

she's just a girl

that's a friend

who's carrying my baby

of course my dad pulled me aside

asked me if i was sure it was mine

i shrugged

i don't know

i don't know anything anymore

but i told him i would handle it

i would make sure

and i will

i guess

/ / /

"edward

we saw your old friend today"

bree says after they put away the groceries

and i join her in the living room

"which one?"

i ask even though i don't really care

"what was her name again esme?"

the room goes silent

her?

my mother steps into the room

her face cold

her eyes determined

as they watch me

my reaction

"it was bella swan"

she says

so harshly

i die in my skin

just enough to feel my soul collapse

"what did you say to her?"

i ask

afraid

so very afraid

"i introduced her to bree

your girlfriend

mother of your child"

her head shakes with each statement

"edward she is still so pretty"

bree speaks

but her voice is muffled

the fear is too busy drowning me

suffocating me

"you didn't?"

i whisper a plea to my mother

"i did

she needed to know edward"

i stand

but she continues to talk

"she ran out of that store like her life depended on it

i wonder why?"

i slam the front door as i leave

/ / /

i drive over to your house as fast as these slick streets will let me

everything is such a blur

i still don't know what to say to you

but

i'm sorry


	45. Ch 45, Bella

**~B~**

i feel your presence

except now

it's not so welcome

it's too cold

too dark

too different than what it used to be

it makes me ache more

i hear your car door slam

i feel it in the air

the knock at the front door

raps on my gut

my dad telling you i'm under the weather

you insisting to see me anyway

your voice shattered and short

cutting me

my dad relenting

i don't have the strength to keep you away

we need to do this

end this

i hear your slow steps ascending the stairs

you knock on my door

i don't answer

words are hard to find

words hide

they're lost in the emotion in my throat

you come in anyway

i see you

but i don't

i see a guy i used to love

and another guy who looks like him

not the same guy

you're different

i can't love you

it's too hard

i refuse to hope

to bend

to settle anymore

you start to speak

"don't"

i don't ask

i demand

"i don't want to hear it edward"

because i don't

i don't know much

i don't even know who i am

or what i want

in love

in life

in the future

you have confused me

i don't even know what i want right now at this very second

all i know is that i'm hurting so much

it's eating me alive

and if i continue like this

there won't be anymore of me left

so this is it

i've had it

i'm done

with you

with us

forever


	46. Ch 46, Edward

**~E~**

i drive around your block

up and down the highway

back and forth

waiting on you to return to your house

where are you?

are you safe?

please come home

/ / /

finally

you're home

you're here

i come in

you're dad says your sick

i know better

/ / /

you're sitting on your bed

so still

so unhappy

so destroyed

and i know i did this

i feel the bitterness as soon as i walk into the room

it swirls around me

it points it's finger at me

and then it invades my heart

and rips it to shreds

/ / /

i open my mouth to speak

and you stop me

so cold

so forceful

i cower from you

and your hate

your indifference to me

i want you to want me

to look at me and cry

plead with me to love you

to never leave you

to ask me why

to let me answer why

to tell me you love me no matter what

not the distant

apathetic

woman that i see before me

/ / /

"i don't want to hear it"

you seethe

words said so spiritless

i want to crumble to the floor

but i stand tall as you begin to speak again

"you being here tells me what i saw today

is the truth

and i don't want to know anything more than that"

wait

if you would only let me explain

you have to let me explain this to you

/ / /

"don't make this harder on me

edward

please"

finally you beg

but it's for the wrong things

/ / /

"just choose her

and your baby

make it work

love her

just love them both

and don't contact me

all right?

do you understand me?

this is it edward

this is the way it has to be"

no

stop

my worst fear has come true

"bella wait"

i have to make you understand

i wish you would just look at me

just

look

at

me

/ / /

"no edward

i could compete with the miles between us

i could compete with our brutal college schedules

and i could compete against your parents

and time

and life

and youth

and i used to think i might even stand a chance competing against bree

fighting for you and your love"

the tears roll down your face

you don't even bother to wipe them away

those tears pain me

they hurt

"but not as the mother of your child

you added an innocent child into the mix

and i refuse to compete with that"

my own tears begin to fall

they sting my skin as they curl down my cheeks

/ / /

"i'm sorry

edward

you need to love them

please

just don't forget what we had

hold on to it

and maybe you'll find it with her"

no

"bella

i don't love her"

just listen to me

/ / /

you finally turn your eyes to me

so heartless and cold

i don't love her

didn't you hear me?

"i don't care edward

if some time down the road it doesn't work out between you and her

i know it won't be my fault

it won't be because of anything i did

or because of me

i need that"

your voice cracks

your words choppy

my knees are getting week

my head feels light and dizzy

you're all i want

/ / /

"please don't do this"

i beg as i will you to look down deep into my soul

you won't be disappointed in what you see

i still love you

/ / /

"no

you did this

and now you need to leave

let me go edward

let us go

just move on"

you say it so matter of factly

like it's so easy

so simple

i blindly grasp at the faint threads of our broken relationship and try to pull you back to me

"i don't want to move on bella

don't you understand?"

i would fall to my knees and kiss your feet if i thought it would help

tell me what to do

/ / /

"just stop

go

away

i don't want to see you

ever again

i don't care what you have to say edward

just

leave

me

alone

please"

/ / /

i stand there as the room goes quiet

the only sounds are our cries as they echo off the walls

so soft

yet so loud

like the hum of a bumblebee's flight

overpowering

maddening

i want to go to you

i need to cling to you

kiss you

hold your hand

tell you it's going to be okay

promise you it's all going to work out

if only you wanted me too

i would

/ / /

i stand for what could be hours

or maybe it's only minutes

before i move toward your doorway

i pause

but don't look back at you

i can't

but i just have to tell you

i have to say it

because you have to know

"i wish it was you

that would have been my heaven

you know?

i'll never stop loving you

no matter what

please don't ever forget that

i'm so sorry bella

this wasn't supposed to happen"

i admit to you with all the love i've ever known

every bit of emotion you've ever invoked in me

i mean it

i will never stop loving you

/ / /

your sobs get louder

and yet i wait

wait for something more

i wait for you to stop me

for you to jump up

run to my arms

tell me you didn't mean any of it

tell me you still love me

promise me that we can get through this

but you don't move

nothing

as it's that nothing

that pushes me out your door

out of your house

into my car

and that same nothing

causes me to cry

like i've never cried before


	47. Ch 47, Bella

_(so many of you left reviews telling me that you understand this, that you feel their pain, that i'm not a total moron for writing this, so thank you so much from the bottom of angst luvin heart)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

finally

silence

i don't know what you wanted from me

what did you think i would do?

what did you imagine i would say?

say i hate you?

say i don't love you anymore?

raise my fists to you?

shout?

kick?

scream?

really?

how could i hurt you?

when i still love you

so damn much

even through the hurt

even through the heartache

and i think that's what i hate so much

not you

not the situation

i hate that i still love you even after it all

and i shouldn't

i don't want to

/ / /

don't you know how hard this for me?

how difficult it was for me to tell you to leave?

how my mouth didn't want to speak the words?

how my tongue would rather twist into a knot than form the words?

how my lips would rather seal than send you away?

it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do

/ / /

you acted like i did this

like i ruined us

you are so wrong

i did the right thing

i gave you up

gave us up

and i don't know if i'll ever get over you

if i can get over us

because this time

it's goodbye for real

i should have said that to you

screamed it from my rooftop

GOODBYE

have a nice fucking life edward

dammit

i wish i hated you

/ / /

i get up to look out my window

searching for answers

for light

for anything

for everything

you've been gone from my room for hours

but your car still sits idling on my street

across from my house

the snow piling on

why are you still here?

leave

please

before i run out there to you

because let's be honest

i can't have you anymore

/ / /

the next few days pass so slow

like time is stuck in slow motion

sometimes i can't stop the tears

other times i am so numb

my emotions are all over the place

it would be so much easier to hate you

to dust my hands of you

of us

but love isn't that easy to erase

to forget

/ / /

do you know how many times i want to pick up the phone and call you?

or drive by your house?

or send you an email?

a simple text?

i keep questioning myself

would we have been able to make it work after all?

what if the baby's not yours?

did i make a mistake?

the biggest mistake of my life?

can i really leave you behind?

will i ever get over you?

will this hole in my heart ever heal?

why?

why?

why me?

why us?


	48. Ch 48, Edward

_(**timeline**, B prologue was 2008, E was 2009, where we are right now: christmas 2004, bree is due june 2005)_

* * *

><p><strong><em>~E~<em>**

i don't have it in me to start up this car and drive away

drive away from you

it would be like admitting defeat

giving up

and i don't want to

i wish you would just talk to me

i know you're mad

i understand you're hurt

i get it

i do

i'm fucking furious

but it doesn't change things

it doesn't have to be this way

i bet we could fix this

somehow

someway

/ / /

my cell rings again

it's bree

i should go back home

to that house

not necessarily my home

but they're wondering where i am

and truthfully

i don't have anywhere else to go

/ / /

bree's waiting for me in my room

i see her as soon as i open up my bedroom door

i don't have the energy in me to argue with her

now is not the time

she's sitting in the darkened room

with no lights

no television

just her and the night

i walk past her

change my clothes

wash my face

remember to breathe

"it's her

isn't it?"

she asks as i pull down the covers

"what do you mean?"

i crawl into my bed wishing to wake up tomorrow and things be different

i don't know how to explain this to her either

"she's your 'b'

right?

bella

not bree

why didn't you just tell me?"

i sigh and just decide to just be honest with her

it can't get any worse

"bree i"

she doesn't give me the chance to explain either

"edward no

no

it's all right

i get it"

her voice cracks a little

i know she's been crying

"you and i wasn't together when i got it"

i admit

because honestly

we weren't

"hmmm

you've always loved her

haven't you?"

bree walks over and sits on the edge of my bed

i just nod

what good would saying it aloud do now?

"i'm sorry she found out like that

but you know your mom"

she reaches for my hand

i let her take it

"it's not your fault"

i say

my voice doesn't even sound like my voice

i don't blame her

not bree

or my mother

"so

are you two okay?"

she whispers

my emotions betray me

as the saltwater slowly rolls down my temples

i'm surprised i have anything left to cry

i shake my head

because right now

words are just too difficult to speak

but my tears are obviously on stand by

"oh edward

i'm so sorry"

i just lie there

my body so full of emotions i feel like dead weight

she curls up beside me on the bed

she's a good person

she is

if only i loved her the right way

if only i loved her more

"i wish i could be more like her"

she quietly murmurs

and the guilt washes over me again

"don't say that

everything's going to be all right"

i say with so much hope

that maybe it's enough for the both of us


	49. Ch 49, Bella

**~B~**

ro stops pushing

stops pulling me so much

i just don't think she understands

but i know she's just trying to help me

the thing is

her pushing and pulling me

it doesn't help so much

not really

i have good days

i have bad days

good days i smile

i laugh

i breathe deep and free

i live

and the bad days

i hide

i cry

i hurt

i die

and every now and again

there will be one those days that's a mix of the two

and i'm lost

and then i'm found

/ / /

today i'm thinking

i'm trying to put it all together in my head like a puzzle

a difficult puzzle

one with a thousand pieces

and they're all the same color

the unwed pregnant cullen girl that had the town all in an uproar

that wasn't alice

that your 'cullen' girl

your girl

bree

right?

so

let me get this straight

a few months after summer break when you left me in new york

you fucked her

and when you found out she was pregnant

you stopped talking to me

then you brought her home

to your house

for the holidays

and told your parents

and you still weren't talking to me

until i saw your mother in town

then you wanted to explain it all to me

so

i guess it really isn't so complicated after all

but the thing i can't figure out

the thing that turns my head inside out

is why?

and then

how?

why would you do this to me?

how could you?

did you not love me enough?

was i not enough for you?

did you love me and then stop?

or did you really never care at all?

i don't know which one i'd rather believe

but

why?


	50. Ch 50, Edward

**_~E~_**

the sun still shines

the moon still glows

i still have classes

that i'm still failing

my parents are still pissed at me

my friends still bug me about partying

and drinking

and clubbing

bree's still pregnant

and i still miss you

so much

i do

i miss you a lot

more than i let on

it's easy to bury the missing you deep inside me

it's easy to hide it

/ / /

bree and i don't have a clue what we're doing

we're like puppets

our strings being pulled

directed

and we follow

with no passion

little joy

and let life lead us

tell us what's next

do this

do that

neither one of us happy

but i can't concern myself with that right now

i just have to make sure she stays healthy

because

yeah

i'm going to be a dad

i don't know if up is down

or right is left

i might as well quit school

my grades are worse than they were before

why bother any more?

/ / /

i saw a umbrella today

it reminded me of you

and your crazy obsession to buy patterned umbrellas you'll never use in the rain

it had eyes

and was yellow

and looked like a duck

it even quacked when you pushed the button to open it

my first thought was to buy it for you

and then i remembered the rest

the go away-s

and the goodbye-s

so i just stood there and held it for a long time

and it felt good to think of you happy

holding silly umbrella's over your head when there's no rain

laughing

you deserve that

to be happy

free

/ / /

i do have to admit that i'm afraid you'll never speak to me again

but i'm pretty sure

i'm better off that way


	51. Ch 51, Bella

_(the mention in last ch of E's age confused some of you, so i axed it from the chapter.. no biggie)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

_(this ch bring us up to June 2005, they graduated 2000, NY trip was summer 04, broke off for good Xmas 2004, B prologue will b fall 2008)_

january

february

march

april

may

june

merely months

but enough of them pass

i wonder if you're a father now?

it's been six months since i saw you

it's summer time in new york again

and i think i need to leave for awhile

you tainted this place

the city that i call home

it reminds me of you

of us

too much

/ / /

i still think about you a lot

wonder how you are

wonder if your doing well in school working toward your degree

if you have a daughter or a son

if you're still in cali

if you ever go back to forks

if you finally love bree

if you ever think about me

about us

/ / /

i did move into another apartment

i room with ro now

my old place was like living in a tomb

i needed a new start

new air to breathe

new memories to make and keep

even though

the old memories

i'll never forget

even the ones of us

the crazy things is

i still see steps

and i think of you

i see a bottle of beer with a torn label

and i think of you

i smell a frozen pizza hot out of the oven with the edges barely burnt

and i think of you

and some days

all i have to do is close my eyes

and i see you

with me

and i smile through those tears

and hope that you're happy

finally


	52. Ch 52, Bella

**~B~**

envelope

creamy white

no return address

but stamped from washington state

addressed to me

forwarded from my old apartment

handwriting

so elegant and feminine

contents

an invitation to your wedding

oh

i watch as it falls to the ground

slow

drifting

no breeze

just floating

haunting

/ / /

i imagine this is what dying feels like

suffocating

drowning

burned alive

all at once

/ / /

wow

i'm stunned

uh

shocked

huh

depressed

hurt

and pissed

you're marrying her?

you're marrying her

in seattle

at christmas

sorry

i can't

i won't

i wouldn't

i won't be there

i just can't

no

i'm still too busying trying to recover from a broken heart

* * *

><p><em>(some EPOV in the morning)<em>


	53. Ch 53, Edward

_(some of you say this is like a train wreck and you can't look away, well i hope you think it's a pretty train wreck ;)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~ <strong>

_(october 2005)_

after i left you

i never thought i'd be all right

i can't describe the uncomfortable feeling that coated every centimeter of my body

i was in a constant state of ache

it hurt to breathe

to move

but now it's been a little less than a year

and i'm a dad

and somehow

i'm okay

but i still miss you

think about you

it still hurts a little

but the missing you

the missing us is manageable

/ / /

lilyana is the prettiest thing i've ever seen

i wish you could see her

she's just beginning to smile

and it warms my heart every single time

it's so precious

she's so precious

she can be a fussy little thing

but she's always calm when i hold her

it's amazing

I love her so much

/ / /

i quit school

but I only have a few credit left

so i'm going to try to get them online or something

bree only has half a semester left to graduate

i have encouraged her to finish

we're trying to be together

we really are

but something is still missing between us

we both know it

i love her more like a friend

than a lover

or a mate

and she feels the same about me

we just keep hoping that it'll be enough

my mother is adamant about us getting married

it's already all planned out

she made up the guest list

sent out the invitations

booked the chapel

and the banquet hall

it's in just a few months

in seattle

bree nor i are overjoyed about it

but we don't argue

puppets with strings remember?

how crazy is that?

it's supposed to be one of the best days of our lives

but we both dread it so

it's just easier to go with the flow

than try to fight upstream

i'm tired of fighting

/ / /

i'm not sure what will happen

how long bree and I can keep this up

will keep this up

if in the long run we can really settle like this

if it's really worth it for lily

only time will tell

we're just trying to do the right thing

but i sure would like to talk to you

i guess only in my dreams huh?

i miss you bella

i do

i'm sorry

* * *

><p><em>(a couple more today, i think...)<em>


	54. Ch 54, Bella

**~B~**

in the month of december

in the year two thousand and five

i stay as far away from washington state as i can

i travel with ro to her home in florida for the holidays

we lie on the beach

complaining about the sun

and then freezing when it's cloudy

we party a lot

i drink too much

and then i cry after i've drank too much

but the alcohol

the dancing

the neon lights

the late nights

they make me feel good

and sometimes that good

is better than anything else i feel

as long as I don't think about you

or washington

or what's happening there

/ / /

ro says some nights i have nightmares

and i always call your name

i never remember them

but i wonder if i scream your name because in my dream

you stayed?

or because you left?

/ / /

when winter break winds down

i try and convince ro to ditch new york with me

for us to travel

live off gas station beef jerky and pop tarts

to travel the land

and not know where we're going to end up the next week

just live day to day

but she won't do it

then she tells me she's been seeing emmett

and they're serious

she was afraid to tell me

oh well

so i make the decision on my own

i tell her to go on

but that i'm not going with her

it's time to alter my path

sprout some wings

and fly on my own

/ / /

but first

i plan to travel home and see my dad

surely you're gone by now

right?

don't you have a honeymoon to attend?

* * *

><p><em>(next chapter of E will overlap in the timeline with this)<em>


	55. Ch 55, Edward

**~E~**

"edward

wake up

wake up

please"

i know that voice

that's bree

crap

what now?

"wake up edward

we have to talk"

hesitantly i half sit up

my back propped on the headboard

one eye barely open

it's still dark

"what is it?

is it lily?"

"no

it's not lily"

i rub my eyes

bree's sitting on the edge of the bed beside me

"what time is it?"

i ask

"it's a little after three

lily's good and asleep

are you awake yet?

i need to talk to you

now"

/ / /

i wake up enough to watch bree pace the floor

and chew her nails

tears streaming down her face

"bree

come sit down

tell me what's wrong"

she stops still

her face so distraught

"i can't marry you edward

i know it's only a week before the wedding

but i can't do it"

i'm not sure what to say to her

but hearing her say that

doesn't hurt at all

i take a deep breath

she's stronger

more bold

than i am

but i feel the same way

but at the same time

my mind does begin to wonder

"i don't love you enough

you don't love me enough

we know this edward

we shouldn't just settle anymore

okay?

please

say something to me"

my breath rushes out of my chest

"uh

all right

we won't get married"

easy

i try and reign in the joy and relief i feel

but she still doesn't look too relieved

/ / /

"there's one more thing

and i'm sorry for doing this to you

i hate myself and i have to have to tell you this

but i never wanted to hurt you

remember that

okay?"

her face is as pale as a ghost

"what is it"

i whisper

she takes a few deep breaths

her lips pout when she exhales

"she's not yours

edward

lilyana

she's not your baby"

* * *

><p><em>(thanks to whoever said this in your review, YOU gave me the idea)<em>


	56. Ch 56, Edward

**~E~ **

what?

no

i can't

she is

what?

/ / /

"i have to leave"

i have to get out of here

get away from her

before i do something

before i say something i regret

i immediately jump out of bed and search for clothes to wear

i grab my travel bag out of the closet

and start to stuff it with necessities

i feel like I'm going to be sick

just

no

"please edward

don't leave me

i can't handle her by myself"

bree reaches out and grabs my arm

i don't want her touching me

"what are you talking about?"

i jerk away

i can't even

"don't leave me here with her edward

she doesn't like me

i can't take care of her like you do"

fuck

the lowest of the lows

bringing her up now

lilyana

/ / /

i stop

and stand

and contemplate

i don't know what to do

my mind is whirling crazy

i'm almost dizzy

i sit down on the edge of the bed

my chest is rising and falling too hard

my heart is beating too fast

my mind is still spinning

i'm so confused

and i'm so pissed off my teeth ache

/ / /

i close my eyes and refuse to look at her

my stomach is in knots

"how do you know for sure"

i ask

unsure if i want to know the answer or not

but i have to know

she speaks calm and quiet

good for her

bitch

"in the hospital they told me she had o negative blood

so i had to have a rhogam shot after she was born

because my blood is b positive

then last week

we got the results back for our blood test to get our marriage license

and you have positive blood too

she's not your's edward

and i just know

her eyes

they look like his

like riley's"

oh no

this hurts

more than anything

this hurts

more than all the years combined of my parents rejection

this hurts

even more than losing bella

yeah

this kills me

more than anything ever has

i love that little baby girl

she's all i got

and she loves me back

she

loves

me

/ / /

"you need to leave bree"

i feel my blood starting to boil again

"just leave lily here

give me a few days"

i take deep breaths and try to speak to her in a decent tone

but it's hard to do

"i have to tell my parents about the wedding

i just

i don't want to see you right now

i can't

i can't stand to be around you

please leave"

i shake my head willing her to walk out that door

i need her to go

now

"i'll call you

or you can call here if you need something

i don't care where you go

just leave"

she stands and starts to speak but doesn't

that's a good thing

"leave bree

go on

just give me some time"

i'm almost begging

/ / /

not soon enough

i hear the door click behind her

and she's gone

and only then can i breathe

and fall apart

again

* * *

><p><em>(that's how we did it here in GA when i got married, the blood test thing, go with it)<em>


	57. Ch 57, Edward

_(so, i've said this before, i'm writing this for beegurl, she loves this edward, she says he's redeemable, so what she says goes ;)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

i stay awake all night thinking

what to do

what to do

my body feels like a shell

i feel so empty

and lost

confused

betrayed

i upset my family

i practically quit school

and i lost bella

i lost bella

my everything

for nothing

why?

/ / /

but then

i see the picture on the wall

of lilyana

and i'm holding her

she's only in her diaper and wrapped in a pink blanket

and i'm looking down at her

and i'm reminded of how much i love that baby

i do

i love her so much

enough that i'm not really sure if biology can keep me from her

i don't want to lose her

i'm her daddy

she loves me

i feel in the way she relaxes in my arms

i see it when she gazes into my eyes

and her smile

it lights up my world

she loves me

i love her

more than anything

i can't lose her

she's mine

she is

/ / /

that morning

i call my parents and break the news about the wedding

but not what bree said

i can't

not yet

of course my mother is aggravated

i don't care

but i tell her i'm going to come to forks for the holidays

lilyana and i

she asks about bree

i tell her i don't want to talk about it

not yet

i'm not sure what i want my mother and father to know

then i wait on bree to call

to tell her to come back

we need to talk

as soon as possible

/ / /

i ask bree what she wants

her answer is a career

not me

not lily

a career

what a selfish bitch

i can't see what i ever saw in her

she wants to move to los angeles

become an actress

i interrupt her

not giving a shit about her aspirations

or her career

i ask her what she wants with me and her daughter

she answers

"whatever you want to give me

i love you edward

you've been a good man to me

but i'm not in love with you

and i love lily

but i don't think i love her like you do

i'm not cut out to be a mother

i don't feel it

the bond isn't there

so whatever you're willing to give me

i will take"

i can't even name the emotions i feel

before i know it

i'm yelling

in her face

"are you going to take her away from me?

who is her father?

when did you fuck him?

why did you lie to me?"

then she

tells me all

"i loved riley

i did

but i didn't know he was married

he told me if i told anyone he got me pregnant

that he'd never see me or talk to me again

and i wasn't exactly sure who the father was

i had sex with him before you

and after you

i loved him edward

he was the one for me

but you

you took care of me

you accepted that you were the father

no questions asked

i'm sorry

you deserve her edward

i would never take her away from you

ever

no one will know you're not her daddy

unless you tell them

i swear

i won't tell anyone

not even your parents

she loves you edward

she does

as far as i'm concerned

she's yours

i never wanted to lie to you

i'm sorry"

/ / /

i tell her we're having a paternity test

i have to know for sure

she agrees

but what i don't tell her

is that when i get back to forks

i'll be visiting my father's lawyer

i'm going to make damn sure

she can never take my baby away from me

* * *

><p><em>(fall break is upon me, all 3 kidlets home, for 10 days, will update when i can)<em>


	58. Ch 58, Bella

_(surprise beegurl, one you haven't read ;)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~ <strong>

eyelids droop

slip

close

touch

and

then

there you are

with me

here

finally

the love

it's here too

i see it in your eyes

i swim

dance

swirl

bask in it

your love

for me

it makes me glow

and the passion

i feel it so much

it's all around us

i look down at my feet

i'm walking on it

bouncing

oh

i missed this

/ / /

we dance

again

spinning

swaying

touching

not close enough

never

/ / /

the sun is so bright

so warm

it's perfect

and beautiful

i pray for time to still

you watch me like you always did

i miss that too

your stare is possessive

owning

yet treasuring

adorning

/ / /

we laugh

it echos around us

like thunder off high canyon walls

the sun's glow deepens

turns to amber

smoldering

like burnt coals

the darkness swiftly chases away the light

and just like that

i'm lost

scared

alone

again

/ / /

i call out your name

no answer

through the black

i search

i feel

where are you?

don't leave me

not again

"edward!"

i cry

i wail

scream

plead

don't leave me

please

come back

/ / /

i sit straight up in my bed

gasping for air

fisting my covers

my face wet with tears

i blink

and breathe

wipe my face

slow my breaths

blink again

/ / /

you haunt me

even when you don't want to

this is what being back in this town

in this room

in this bed

does to me

haunted

by what might have been

by what was

by what will never be

* * *

><p><em>(gonna try for one more EPOV tonight after football)<em>


	59. Ch 59, Edward

_(disclaimer: this is fiction, i promise nothing to be real, or exact, or perfect, or true, or researched, or how it happens it real life [i.e. medical crap, laws, etc]... just go with it)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

_(december 2005)_

i look at lilyana

and she still looks like my daughter

regardless of her hair color

or the color of her eyes

she still feels like my daughter

the same weight in my arms

the same length head to toe

she still has my last name

i'm still listed as her father on her birth certificate

how can she not be mine?

not in the ways where it matters

it kills me to think otherwise

/ / /

i pack for forks

a bag for me

three for lily

bree's not going

we need time apart

i need to be away from her

sadly

she could care less

/ / /

on the plane

i have time to think

about you

about me

about how things could have been different

did you hear about the wedding?

do you know that it didn't happen?

will you be in forks?

i've tried to call you

many times

you must have changed your cell number

i even called your father's house

he didn't answer either

if nothing else

i'd like to be your friend

i miss that

you could always say the right things to me

could we do that at least?

be friends?

even after all this time

i miss you

i do

* * *

><p><em>(many updates today: edward talks to esme, they are both in forks... hmmmm)<em>


	60. Ch 60, Edward

_(i told beegurl i picture esme like the mother from the movie The Notebook, remember how she kept the letters from Allie...)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

my mother picks us up from the airport

smiling at lilyana

while barely looking at me

she tells me alice won't be around

i already know

i talk to alice a few times a week

mother interfered with alice's personal life one too many times

she ran her off

surprise surprise

alice lives in texas with her boyfriend

i need to visit her soon

/ / /

there's a baby bed set up for lily in my old bedroom

after her being held the whole evening

and then fed

and changed

i put her down

she's already fast asleep

/ / /

my mother's been quiet

i can tell she's pissed

and upset

and wants to talk

i don't

want to talk

i just want to go to sleep

and then wake up from this nightmare

is this really my life?

/ / /

i go downstairs to do this thing with my mother

get this over with

she's sitting alone at the kitchen table

"you father's still at the hospital"

her voice is softer than usual

but still to the point

and sharp

cold

i make myself a scotch on the rocks

take the open bottle with me

and sit across from her at the table

"figures"

i answer

then i down the drink

slap the empty glass too hard on the wood top of the table

"so what happened?"

i knew she'd ask

and i already know what i'm going to say

/ / /

"we're not in love

and two people who aren't in love shouldn't get married"

her face is stiff as usual as i explain

never any emotion

never

"and it took this long to figure that out?"

she scoffs

i huff loudly

i sit waiting on her fire to reign down on me

but

it never comes

"what about lily?"

she asks

i've already decided i'm not telling them about the possibility of her not being mine

not until after i get the results of the paternity test

or maybe not at all

"bree wants to be an actress

so i don't think being a mother is much in her future

it's not her priority"

i shrug

"she told you this?"

she spews

there's that heat i was waiting on

"she did

she's just not mother material"

i say

as i stare right at her

she knows how that is

right?

i pour myself another drink

"that little selfish bitch"

she shakes her head

"so she's just going to walk away from you and that baby?

i don't think so edward

don't you dare let her"

i slap my hand down on the table

"stop

i can handle this

no one is taking lilyana"

she quiets

but my her lips are tight

it won't be long now

/ / /

"what mother

just say it"

she hesitates

and looks at her fingers

"have you spoken to bella?"

everything about me freezes

the blood in my veins

the air in my lungs

but my eyes

i try to read her

she's a closed book

"what are you talking about?"

my voice is louder now

i'm the sharp one

she swallows hard

"what did you do?"

it invades my mind

the last time she meddled

will she never learn?

* * *

><p><em>(i had to split this up in two...)<em>


	61. Ch 61, Edward

**~E~ **

i watch her

waiting

"tell me

tell me what you did"

i spit

she begins to tremble a little

her hair shifting

her nose flaring

too calmly she speaks

"i sent her an invitation to your wedding"

the words pierce through me

straight through

like the sharpest arrow

landing somewhere behind me

"what?"

i shake my head

open my mouth

i'm speechless

i don't understand

"why?

why would you do that?"

as if I haven't hurt bella enough?

the anger seeps from my pores

i quickly stand

and walk

i don't pace the floor

i stalk

why would she?

my hand grips my hair

tugs

i need to feel the pain

when will this shit storm end?

/ / /

"i did it for you"

startled

i turn to face her

for the first time ever

in my life

i see tears in her eyes

regret on her forehead

guilt all over her face

it doesn't matter

not to me

"for me?

are you crazy?

you did it for me?

i loved her mother

and you hated her

you did everything you could

to keep up apart

and you succeed"

she pulls a handkerchief from her lap

dabs at her eyes

i keep from laughing

in her face

"i didn't hate her

i was pushing you edward

you're a doormat just like your father

always trying to please everyone

everyone but yourself

i wanted you to fight edward"

she makes a fist

and motions to hit the table

but she doesn't

"i kept pushing you

and pushing you

waiting on you to stand tall

hoping that soon you'd push back

voice what you wanted

and fight for it

but you never did

you were so easily controlled

that's why i kept pushing you"

the shit just gets deeper

i'm appalled

"your dad said 'go to school to be a doctor'

you said 'okay'

he said 'go to california'

you went

i said 'break up with bella'

you quit bringing her around

you even brought home bree

trying to please me

i said 'marry her'

knowing you didn't love her

and you agreed edward

you never stood up and fought for what you wanted

never

that is weakness"

i stand in shock

confused

angry

so so angry

"you are full of it if you think i believe that all these years you treated me like a dog

because you wanted to push me to make me stronger?

no

i'm not buying it"

i don't know what else to say to her

she folds her handkerchief

places the square neatly on the table

"twice in your life i've seen you happy edward

once it was with bella

and the other time is when you're with that baby

i thought if i brought bella here

for your wedding

that maybe you'd finally man up and realize that you love her

that you'd finally do something for yourself"

i've heard enough

"you crazy bitch

did it ever occur to you that i needed a mother?

someone to support me instead of someone to always put me down

and fuck up my life?

you didn't push me

you shoved

with no regard to where i would land

you're unbelievable"

i realize it's time to tell her how it is

"well

i don't need your pushing any more

i've had enough

i'm leaving

don't worry about me

don't worry about lily

we'll be all right

go ruin someone else's life"

i turn on my heels to pack and leave

her and this house

so far away from her and her idiotic theories

away from her 'shoving'

and 'pushing'

because

this time

i'm pulling

away


	62. Ch 62, Bella

_(from some of your reviews, i get the impression you're disappointed? i'm not sure what to say...)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~ <strong>

dad hears my cries

my screams

your name

night after night

one morning dad gives me that look

the 'listen to what i have to say' look

and bless his heart

he tells me what he knows about you

and it's not much

and even though i didn't ask

i'm glad

he says he knows that you had a baby girl

and that you still live in california

but that's it

he doesn't mention the wedding

and when i ask

he says he doesn't know

and that makes me antsy

because i want to know

i need to know

i want it confirmed

i need proof

like the masochist i am

i want to know you're married

taken

see you with a ring on your finger

you

off the market

maybe then i can shut you out

for good

/ / /

i tread lightly around town

looking for your silver car

even though you should be gone

back to school

or your honeymoon

whatever

i need time to compose myself in case i see you

i need a warning

/ / /

i pull into the local coffee and pastry shop

it seems as though the coast is clear

i've missed their cream cheese danishes

mmmm

i place my order

i pay and then wait

i pick up the news paper that's folded up on the counter

and take my order back to the corner table

i snuggle into my seat

my feet propped up on the empty bench across from me

the outside door opens and a chilly draft whips past me

I pull my jacket tighter around me

i cup my warm coffee and open up the paper

then i hear you

you speak to the barista

and suddenly the coffee shop is cold as a glacier

and too small a place to be

the nerves in my stomach squeeze and contract

i sit immobile in my seat

i slowly reach up and pull down my hood farther over my head

almost to my eyes

i slide down just a little

but i can still see you

you're alone

except

you're carrying your baby girl

she's all bundled up wearing a big fat pink coat

and you look good

still so handsome

i caught just a glimpse of your face

before you turned around

but you look

happy

and then

somewhere inside of me

a dam breaks

the emotion that flows through me is swift

i feel it cover every inch of my body

even the roots of hair

i feel so

unloved

i thought i would be able to handle seeing you

i thought i could take it

that i could be a big girl

an adult

and say hello

but i can't

i can't

it hurts

and it all crashes down around me

it becomes more real that it ever was

i know it for certain

you're over me

you don't love me anymore

* * *

><p><em>(more?)<em>


	63. Ch 63, Bella

_(this is happening about a week after E left his mothers house, and don't worry about our B, every thing happens for a reason ;)_

_this update is for the girls who asked for more & the sweeties on twitter..._

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

i pray like i've never prayed before that you don't see me

not right now

not right here

not with traitor tears streaming down my face

you step closer to the counter

your baby still in your arms

i take the chance to sneak into the bathroom

hopefully undetected

forget my coffee

and the sinful danish

/ / /

i need air

i need space

and preferably not sharing either with you

i step quietly and stealthily in through the bathroom door

softly locking it

thankful that it's a single bathroom

and not one with multiple stalls

i pull down my hood

and step over to the sink

i grasp the cold ceramic in my hands

and hold onto the edges to support my weight

i feel weak

in every sense of the word

i take a few deep breaths

searching for some kind of calm

some kind of control

then i look up at myself in the mirror

my red puffy eyes

the darkness making my skin look hollow just underneath my bottom lashes

my hair flat and lifeless

my lips just starting to chap

i look so ugly

it's no wonder you picked her

then all of a sudden

even through the sheet rock walls of the coffee shop

i hear your baby squeal

and then i hear you shush her

and you laugh

so loud

so beautiful

i take two steps closer to the door

my hand pressed against it

my ear close to the wood

and i listen

my eyes close

i still hear you carrying on with her

your voice mixes with hers

and slides slow over my skin

searching for a way to invade my heart

and seize it

even though its broken

/ / /

my legs can't hold me up any more

i slide down to the floor

my ear shamelessly says pinned to the door

that thin piece of wood

keeps me from you

you from me

it might as well be a whole forest

that's how far away you feel

i'm not ready for this

i'm not ready for you


	64. Ch 64, Bella

**~B~**

i wait for you to leave

not caring if anyone is waiting on this bathroom

i feel anxious

nervous

unsure

i thought i was over you enough

i thought that when i saw you

if i saw you

it wouldn't upset me like this

hurt me like this

i don't know why it is?

how can you still affect me so?

it was a year ago we last spoke

and i though i'd built up my walls better than this

i thought i was okay now

/ / /

i think i know why this hurts

no

i know why this hurts like death

you're happy

you're not missing me

you're not locked in a bathroom having a panic attack

you're not still waiting

wanting

me

/ / /

sometimes i forget how bad you hurt me

my heart tricks my mind

whispers that you were worth the pain

are worth the heartache

and that i should just let it go

forget

step out this door right now and hug you

hold you again

say hello

croon over your baby

but i'm supposed to be getting over you

forgetting you

moving on

/ / /

so why is it so hard?

i wish i had the strength to just walk away from you

forget about all we ever had

and promised to have

but i can't

because i know this time

you won't be coming after me

if i let go

let us go

there will be nothing left of us

that right there is what hurts the most

/ / /

maybe i just need more time away from this town

from our memories

from you and your ghost

and i plan to take it

take all the time i need

and flush you from my system

that's my plan

/ / /

when i get back home

dad tells me that he bought a cabin at the lake

he asks if i'd like to go see it

stay there for a day or two

i agree

not telling him how badly i need to leave

not admitting how fast i need to get out of this house

not saying a word about how urgently i need to escape


	65. Ch 65, Edward

_(i enabled anon reviews, and most were nice, but a few were rudeness, so i disabled again, sorry)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~ <strong>

i drive to your house

park across the street

the same place i parked years ago

after i hurt you

and then you turned me away

now i understand why

why you did what you did

you were being the brave one

the smart one

the one that stood to lose

and even though i gained lilyana

i lost you

it's not an even trade

not even close

you both

to me

are worth too much to compare

if only i could have both

/ / /

i look around for you

a sign that you're in town

visiting your dad

boots on the front porch

a dropped glove on the sidewalk

fading small shoe prints in the melting snow

but i see

nothing

no light in your room

no multiple tracks left by multiple cars in your driveway

nothing

but it's almost like i can feel you in the breeze

a warm spot in the bitter cold

a ray of sun breaking through the clouds

but you're hidden

and i want to find you

i need you

more so than ever

/ / /

things are so messed up right now

i'm staying with my grandmother while i'm in town

i hate my mother

my dad is as absent as he always was

i loathe bree

i have this beautiful baby girl

and i miss you

i regret so many things that happened between us

to us

college was a big fuck up for me

not getting me where i needed to go

yet here i sit

back in this crappy little town again

your words

not mine

thinking about you

about us

i don't know what to do next

/ / /

being back here

i think of you a lot

because this town

you

and me

we go hand in hand

in hand

we always did

/ / /

wherever you are

i hope you're doing well

i hope you're happy

and i hope

more than anything

that one day

i'll get to see you again

* * *

><p><em>(time jump coming up verrry soon)<em>


	66. Ch 66, Bella

**~B~**

_(jan 2006)_

dad and i stay a few days at his cabin

it's so peaceful

and serene

and for the first time in a long time

we talk

real talk

deep talk

about life

and goals

he tells me he's going to retire soon

how he's looking forward to it

he asks me about me and my life

and i honestly tell him i'm still searching

/ / /

we talk about mom

and how much we both miss her

he tells me he's proud of me

no matter what

and i tell him the same

i'm proud of him too

/ / /

we sit for hours in stillness

watching the clouds reflect off the water

just being a daughter

and a father

/ / /

the next morning i'm packing

knowing i'm ready to leave

to move on

but not knowing exactly where i want to go

dad mentions he has a close friend who owns a bookstore in port angeles

he knows they're looking to hire someone if i'm interested

"it's close enough you can still visit your old man a good bit"

he says as his mustache twitches

i see his age in the wrinkles on his face

the stray gray in his hair

and i think he's right

maybe i shouldn't go too far

"yeah

i definitely want to check it out"

/ / /

he makes a call

he gives me directions

he hands me an envelope with some money

pushing it at me

even after i refuse it

he hugs me

and tells me to be careful

to call him

to not be a stranger

to keep him informed of my whereabouts

and i promise too

and i will

because it's time to work on my plan

to live


	67. Ch 67, Edward

_(remember this legal junk, purely fictional... ExB both were in Forks around xmas/new years and now it's Jan...lily is 7 months old)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

i visit with our lawyer

he's an old family friend

i tell him everything

he's very understanding

and informative

he tells me what to do

and then to come back tomorrow and pick up the paper work

he says that me keeping lily is noble

and brave

i tell him it's second nature

i have to

/ / /

on the plane back to california

i feel like a changed man

it's like i'm finally catching up with my life

i have purpose

goals

but i have sadness too

over two weeks in forks

and i didn't see you once

and it was wrong

i feel incomplete

wasted

but i don't plan on giving up

not anytime soon

not on you

not on us

/ / /

i go to LA and see bree

she's working a few jobs

i have her sign the custody papers from my lawyer

she doesn't even read over them before she signs

i explain to her it's shared custody

with me as the primary caretaker

"wonderful"

she answers

but i don't think she hears a word i say

then i tell her she has to give me riley's information

i need to see him too

/ / /

i take lilyana with me

as proof

to see riley

at his work

he's not very friendly

even after i introduce him to his daughter

he calls me every name in the book

and then a few more thrown in for fun

he threatens me

i'm not worried

i promise to keep his secret

and he'll never hear nor see from me or lily again

as long as he signs the documents from my lawyer

the legal documents stating he will never

ever

want to exercise his right as lilyana cullen's biological father

if and when he were to have a paternity test to prove as such

he told me he thought i was stupid mother fucker to want to keep someone else's kid

i disagree

i think he's the stupid one

his assistant notarizes the document as a witness

and then i take lily

the paperwork

and leave the building

i have no doubt that the rumors will spread like a wildfire around his workplace

because

bree was right

they do have the same eyes


	68. Ch 68, Bella

_(when the month/yr is important, i will add it, k? time will be moving quickly for a few chapters)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~ <strong>

i take the job in port angeles

working at stacks of stacks

i love it

i get to work with books

it's slow

and quiet

homey

/ / /

i rent a small house downtown

i'm only about three hours from forks

so i can visit and stay with dad when i can

he tells me he's selling the house

but keeping the cabin

i think it's a great idea

i offer to help him pack

/ / /

i'm nervous about living this close to forks

i mean

i think i can handle it

i don't feel so sad when i think of you

more curious i guess

i wonder where you are

if you're happy

but still nervous to ever see you again

the whole knowing that you moved on so easily

that still hurts

but i get by

plus i've started to date

there's this one guy named jay

his brother

pete

is my boss

jay travels a lot with his job

but when he's in town

he always comes by to see me

and he's nice

and cute

friendly

fun to be around

but so far

there's not much of a spark

not a spark that makes you crave more

yet

i don't think i want much

nothing serious for sure

i'm not ready for that

but i'm also hesitant

probably too careful

i'm guarded

and complicated

because sometimes

i'm not sure i'm ready to move on

no matter the number of months or years

i very well may be stuck

* * *

><p><em>(twitter: mrs_robward)<em>


	69. Ch 69, Edward

**~E~**

_(this brings us up to november 2007)_

lily and i stay some in forks with my grandmother

and some in LA not too far from bree

one of my old friends from college scored me a job

his dad's the ceo

i get to work from home

set my own hours

i work with a publishing firm

i'm a fact checker

for non-fictional works

it pays enough

and it keeps me busy

/ / /

at first

i thought it would be best if lilyana and i were close to bree

close enough she can visit

help me take care of her

sometimes she does really good

she'll visit

buy her clothes

bring her toys

just hang out with lily all day

then she gets lost in herself

and will go weeks

and nothing

/ / /

i haven't heard from bree in almost six weeks

so i think i'm done trying

and i'm done with california

lily just turned two

she needs roots

stable ones

deep ones

and my grandmother

she's not doing so well

so if bree wants to see her

she needs to try harder

contact me

or come to forks

i have a feeling though

that won't be very often

/ / /

and as crazy as it sounds

i just can't quit thinking about you

you're everywhere i look

everything reminds me of you

and i want to find you

that may be easier if i live in forks

maybe your dad will tell me

where you are

maybe i'll see you if you come home to visit him

time does nothing to lessen the way i feel

about you

about us

/ / /

i miss you


	70. Ch 70, Bella

**~B~ **

_(nov 2007)_

dad comes to port angeles for thanksgiving

so i can cook for him in my home

it's just us two

i declined an invite to eat with jay and his family

i'm trying to not lead him on

i'm sure he wants more from me

but i don't have more to give

/ / /

dad walks around my small house

he stops and looks at the picture frames that line my mantle

there's one of me and you up there

pictures are there for memories right?

i remember us everyday

/ / /

he picks up the last family picture we had made

he smiles sadly

his eyes glisten

"your mother wanted you to be happy you know?"

he swallows hard

he always gets emotional talking about her

"i know dad"

i answer

"well

are you?"

he gently places the frame back in it's spot

my mouth opens to answer

but nothing comes out

"dad"

he picks up the picture of us

"is it because of him?

is he what you're waiting on?"

he stares at the picture of us for a minute and then puts it back down

"i don't know daddy

he's not the reason i'm not happy

sometimes

it just feels like something's missing

and it makes me sad

because

i'm not sure

i'll ever find it"

he nods

just barely

"next time you're in forks

look the boy up

he lives back in town now

did you know?"

my toes tingle

my fingers ache

i feel the blood drain from my head

my heart just went into overdrive and sucked it all up

"no

i didn't know

but dad

it's been years since i saw him

he's moved on"

the room is quiet

for too long as he ponders

"well then maybe you should to"

/ / /

and i wonder if he notices?

how he never moved on after he lost my mother

how it may be just how we are

when we love

we love true

we love whole

we love forever


	71. Ch 71, Edward

**~E~**

_(jan 2008)_

lilyana and i settle in forks for good

my parents let me move into one of their rental properties

it's small

two bedrooms

but perfect for us

i think it was a peace offering from my mother

i insist on buying it

paying them for it

we'll see how that goes

/ / /

i drive by your old house every day

watching

waiting

then i see someone carrying out furniture and boxes

i panic a little

i stop and ask the movers what's going on

they say the owner's selling and moving

that's it

it makes me hollow inside

/ / /

i wait until they leave with their load

i go around to the back door

i remember if you wiggle the knob just so

the lock gives

/ / /

i open the door

i still and listen

"hello?"

no answer

i'm here alone

in your house

the walls are bare

the floor is empty

it's cold

unwelcoming

/ / /

i walk through

allowing my memories to guide me

i stand at the front door looking out

the first place i kissed you

where the couch used to be

the first place i held your hand

the sink

the first time you hugged me

the steps

the first time i ever saw you

my grandmother stopped to welcome you and yours

we were so young

what?

ten years old?

you ignored me

later you said it was because you thought i was cute

and since i was cute

i had to be a snobby brat

then i gave you my brownie

and our friendship began

/ / /

i slowly take the stairs to your room

it's heavy how sad i feel

this was my last connection to you

my last tie is severed

wow

/ / /

i approach your room

the faded purple walls

tape stains from your posters

everything's gone

i walk around the room

fingers out

touching the walls

smiling at where your tiny bed used to be

and all the places of this room we christened

with our insatiable selves

the floor

the desk

your computer chair

back of the door

the closet

/ / /

i pause at your window

my fingers pick the paint on the sill

i remember all the times i looked up from right under that tree

that tree over there

and i waited for you

watched for you

then you would appear

only a silhouette

but each and every time

you made my world spin faster

even when we were ten

before we were edward and bella the couple

and we were edward and bella just friends

i miss them all

/ / /

i'm still holding out

maybe someday

i want to talk to you

tell you what happened

set things straight

i think we both need that

/ / /

i sit down in your floor

close my eyes

one last time

i hold on to you

and all those little pieces of us that linger in the air

/ / /

my cell startles me from my pocket

it's from the hospital

"hello"

"edward

where are you?"

my dad

"on my way home"

i stand

dust off my pants

close my eyes

not wanting to leave here

not yet

"you need to come to the hospital

it's your grandma masen"


	72. Ch 72, Bella

_(Sorry for the lack of updates yesterday, i was in ATL all day w/ttharman ;)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

_(jan 2008)_

i came home to forks yesterday

i heard your grandmother passed away

i'm not sure where you are

if you're in there

but i sat outside of her house in my car for hours

i wanted to go to you

to console you

to have you lay your head in my lap

let me finger your hair

your tears wet my shirt as you hug me

your hands grip mine for strength

to have you need me

again

but then i remembered that's not my job anymore

you choose someone else to do that

it's not me you need

but i still want those things

after all this time

i care about you

/ / /

i'm sorry about your grandmother

i smile at all the memories we shared with her

how she'd let us hang out at her house

even though you mother didn't want me there

us together

how your grandmother would leave us a plate of food in her oven

and it tasted like she had just cooked it

instead of her serving it hours before

how she always kept homemade lemonade for you in the fridge

and pineapple soda for me

she was a wonderful woman

i am blessed to have known her

i bet this is hard for you

i know how close you were to her

i'm sorry edward

i am

* * *

><p><em>(for the 1st time ever, one of my fics may hit 2k reviews today... woot, TY all so much...)<em>


	73. Ch 73, Edward

_(what y'all want... it's so close)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

_(jan 2008)_

lily sits in my lap

she doesn't understand that her gammie is gone

my gammie is gone

she keeps asking for her

/ / /

her little chubby finger wipes at the tears

as they roll down my face

i tried explaining

simple words

"gammie's gone

baby girl"

she shakes her head

"no daddy

gammie be back"

with a smile so pure

angels sing

what do i say to that?

what can i say?

the emotions stuck in my windpipe render me wordless

/ / /

lilyana hasn't been out of my lap all day

my parent's house is busy after the funeral

people come

people go

condolences said

hugs given

hugs received

it's hitting me hard

me and grandma masen were so close

i wonder if you've heard?

do you care?

/ / /

it's hard to believe she's gone

just last week she baked me my favorite muffins

she braided lily's hair

and then took her for a walk in the garden

and you know what?

she asked me about you

told me i should try and find you

she heard that your dad bought a place out by the lake

i think i'll try

/ / /

oh

my

she's gone

the people that i love

they just keep leaving me

oh

bella

where are you?


	74. Ch 74, Bella

_(i love reading all your reviews & theories & wishes, sometimes they make me cry & laugh, i feel blessed to have you as my readers... thank you)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

_(sept 2008)_

jay's been trying to get me to open up more

i don't talk about you

or much about my past

not yet

or ever

it's just easier that way

he's seen your picture on my mantle

he knows your name

and he knows you are an ex

that's it

/ / /

jay and i have been intimate a few times

and then after he leaves

i cry

i swear i'm trying to move on

i am

but it just doesn't feel right

everything's fine

i'm good until i relax

then it's like my heart seizes

i remember how much the break hurts

i just don't want to feel that again

i think i'd rather be alone

alone

i'm safe

/ / /

jay doesn't push me

and he doesn't complain

he just thinks i'm guarded

if he only knew

it's hard to love when you're heart's not your own

/ / /

after he takes me out to dinner

we wind up at the local high school

it's friday night

there's a football game

jay's says his nephew plays

he just wants to watch for a minute

i nod and agree

but my legs barely work

how long have i stayed away from places just like this?

/ / /

i watch

carefully

the girls in pretty dresses walk escorted out onto the field

by the mate of their choice

some by sweaty football players

some have older men on their arms

probably their fathers

someone is crowned

tears are shed

i still and just watch

trying not to remember

jay reaches for my hand

"are you okay?"

i nod

"just tired"

i answer

"let me get you home"

he pulls me up off the cold bleachers

/ / /

he walks me to my door

kisses my forehead

and says he'll call me in the morning

my tears are running down my cheeks before i can shut and lock the door

/ / /

soon

i'm in my bedroom floor

the trunk at the foot of my bed open

contents pulled and scattered

yearbook out

corsage yellowed and pressed soft as it lays in my palm

picture after picture

memory after memory

mine

yours

ours

i pick up my cell

look at the date

what a coincidence

a sob escapes

i drown in the memories

if only i could turn back time

/ / /

it's pathetic that i can look at the calendar and know exactly eight years ago today where i was

what i was doing

how i felt

i was on your arm

by your side

on top of the world

homecoming queen

with her homecoming king

envied

treasured

loved

adored

the future was ours for the taking

we were going to conquer the world

together

forever

you were my first kiss

my first boyfriend

my first love

my first

everything

as i was yours

two people in love

deeply

until one day

we weren't

/ / /

i hate that i remember

and feel

so much

so often

always

and that it makes me sad

and lonely

i want to move on

i want to forget

to get over you

i wonder what it takes to let it go

let us go

because whatever it is

i don't seem to have it


	75. Ch 75, Edward

_(i just realized that my chapters are less words than beegurl's author notes alone! lol)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~ <strong>

before long

life resumes

it never slows

just stutters

the world is immune to death

it knows it all too well

/ / /

bree was here for a visit

she heard about grandma masen

every know and then

bree can be a decent person

i still don't understand how she can be so distant to lily

it's like she isn't even her mother

lily doesn't forget who she is though

no matter how long it's been since we've heard or seen from her

but it doesn't upset lily when she leaves

we expect it now

/ / /

my mother's cold heart is warming

after grandma's death

she's trying

she spends a lot of time with lilyana

stepping in to the vacancy in lily's life

and so far

so good

she has tried to set me up with on a few dates with local singles

i finally told her to stop trying

if i want

i can get

she's over stepping

i know she wants me to be happy

but i have lily

and we're happy together

that's enough for now

/ / /

i drove out to the lake one day to look for your dad's place

i didn't find it

i did get lost

but it was beautiful out there

it's no wonder he wants to live there

/ / /

i looked for you on the internet too

i found an address

it's in port angeles

every day it mocks me

i even threatened to throw away the paper i wrote it down on

but i can't

i can't throw it away

it might be you

but i can't drive to find you either

what if you're married?

what if you have kids?

what if you don't want to see me?

i don't know if i'm ready for that

i'm not sure i want to know

but i like knowing

that maybe

someday soon

i can

and

i will

* * *

><p><em>(i have a few more ready...?)<em>


	76. Ch 76, Edward

**~E~**

_(august 2009)_

the publishing firm let me go

bad economy and all

i had to look for a new job

the only draw back to being here in forks

the job market isn't too plentiful

i end up finding work at meyer's lumber mill

hard labor

but i scored a first shift job

that allows all my free time to go to lily

she's four now anyway

starting preschool

she's growing up

everyday

the job has good pay

good benefits

every day i get to take lily to school

mom picks her up

it's hard work

but the hours fly by

with not much time to think

/ / /

i drive past our old high school every day

it never fails to remind me of you

of us

some days i smile

some days i don't

i wonder if you ever think of me

of us

if you ever wish things could have turned out different than they did

because i do

i wish

don't get me wrong

my life is good

but i know it could've been better

with you

with me

/ / /

lilyana grabs my hand as she does every morning on our drive to preschool

sometimes i think she can read my thoughts

when i smile

she smiles

when i'm sad

she squeezes my hand

rubs over my knuckles

says "i love you daddy"

i fight back the emotions

especially the conflicting ones

i love her more than life itself

but i still miss you

think about you

still wish

wonder if it will ever be different

or better

"i love you baby girl"

she opens the car door and walks into her school

her world

she takes my heart with her

every time

but only half my heart

because

the other half

i left with you

years ago

* * *

><p><em>(um.. i'm excited ...there will be one more later tonight...)<em>


	77. Ch 77, Bella

**~B~**

_(october 2009)_

****stacks of stacks is going bankrupt

being bought out

change of ownership

pete said he'd try to fight for my job

if i wanted it

i refused

it won't be the same

my lease is up for renewal too

i think i'm going to move

i got offered a better job

one with benefits

insurance

retirement

lots of days off

no weekends

and that degree i worked for

it's finally coming in handy

i got a job as a librarian

with an elementary school

the only thing

it's in forks

but it's been years

years without you

we've both moved on right?

different lives

different people

i'll probably see you some time or other

i want to

i need that

that closure

and maybe

just maybe

a friend too?

* * *

><p><em>(can you taste it yet?)<em>


	78. Ch 78, Bella

**~B~**

_(nov 2009)_

i start my job

three months into the school year

but after the first week

i love it

i forgot how much i love kids

and those little preschoolers

they're so cute

i insist all the kids call me miss bee

some of them even make buzz noises at me

so silly

/ / /

right now i'm just assisting mrs. clearwater

she'll be retiring in a month

i thought about introducing her to my dad

he'd kill me though

/ / /

i don't know all the kids names yet

mrs. clearwater tells me not to worry about it

especially their last names

she says it will come with time

honestly

i'm dying to know if there are any cullen children that attend

/ / /

i've yet to see any of the parents

i'm never at the front of the school in the mornings during drop off

or in the afternoons during pick ups

i haven't started training on the computer yet to browse through the list of student names

so as of now

i'm still in limbo when it comes to you and your family

i know your grandmother's house has a for sale sign in the yard

and every now and then

i drive past your parent's house

i haven't saw you yet

are you still here?

/ / /

i'm staying at my dad's cabin

the drive is a little longer than i prefer

i'm looking for something closer

no rush

/ / /

jay still calls

he travels so much

so the distance thing

not seeing him very often

it's common for us

we sometimes go for months

and it never hurts

aches

bothers me

we really are good friends

he's good to me

i don't love him like that

not more

not enough

but i'm not ready to completely turn him away either

sometimes

just a little

is better than nothing at all


	79. Ch 79, Edward

**~E~**

Lily comes home every day with a new story

today she's talking about the new lady who works in the library

she says her name is miss bee

then she sings a song about bringing home a baby bumblebee

silly girl

/ / /

i shower

cook dinner

lily and i talk as we eat

she says one of her friends pushed her down today

it pisses me off

but i tell her not to be friends with that girl anymore

maybe i should sign her up for karate?

/ / /

at bedtime she whines to sleep with me in my bed

i'm as tired as fuck

so i don't protest

/ / /

she crawls up underneath the covers

i go into the bathroom

and get ready for bed

when i come back out

she's holding a picture frame in her hand

"what are you doing with that baby girl?"

"just lookin"

she yawns

and picks up the frame again and brings it up closer to her face

i round the bed

and pull down my side of the covers

"hand it to me so i can put it up sweetie"

she reaches it out to me

/ / /

i look at the picture

it's us on the beach

me behind you

my arms around your waist

we're both laughing

i love that picture

one of the best times of my life

we had such a good week

senior year spring break

it makes me miss you

that's all it takes

little things like that

all over

everywhere

everyday

/ / /

i sit it back down on the dresser

crawl under the covers

and kiss lily

"goodnight lilyana

sweet dreams"

i say as i brush her hair away from her eyes

"nite daddy

but daddy

why

why you have a pick-ture of miss bee?"

* * *

><p><em>(lilyana = 4 yr old in PreKindergarden, (i have a 5yo lil gurl, trust))<em>


	80. Ch 80, Edward

_(80 chapters OMG!)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

she says it's you

she says

it's you

you are miss bee

you are miss bee?

what?

i can't

wait

you're back?

in forks?

how did i not know?

my heart is literally trying to escape my chest

"daddy?

you know her?

you know miss bee?"

the room is dark

only a soft light of a nightlight cuts through the dark

what do i say?

i can practically hear the blood rushing through my veins

i mean

it's you

"yes lilyana

i know her"

i'm trying to be calm

because

oh my lord

do i ever know her

"daddy and miss bee used to be friends

we went to high school together"

i explain

with as little information as i can

lily rolls over toward me

"really daddy

wow

that was a long time ago wasn't it?"

i laugh a little

"yeah

it was a long time ago"

although it feels like yesterday

instead of almost ten years

"are you still her friend daddy?"

i swallow hard

the darkness hiding my uncertainty

my guilt

my nervousness

"why don't you just go on to sleep baby girl

we can talk some more in the morning"

she yawns again

"okay daddy

but i really think you should be her friend again"

i smile

innocent words

heartfelt gestures

"okay daddy?

you don't have many friends

and you're really nice"

her fingers lightly touch my cheeks

before she tucks them back up underneath her pillow

i have to clear my throat before i answer

"okay lily

i'll see what i can do

all right?

now go on to sleep"

/ / /

i lie here all night

my eyelids never close

you're back in forks

you're here

i'm here

i wonder if you're single?

married?

divorced?

kids?

happy?

shit

i rub at my face

take a deep breath

i can't stop the worry

there's that chance

you might not even want to speak to me

* * *

><p><em>(you're encouraging reviews make me wanna post the rest of this fic right now! but i hafta write it first, lol)<em>


	81. Ch 81, Edward

_(because this fic already has a billion chapters - why not post a few more tonight, right?)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

i get up two hours before i have to

i change my clothes three times

i brush my teeth twice

i burn lily's toast

and then decide to fix her pancakes

i pace

and walk

and worry

how will i get to see you?

i can't take off work

too risky

i need that job

and i want nothing to be held against me when i go up for my review soon

i can walk lily in

and just happen to walk by the library

even though it's on the other side of the school

but that means lily and i will have to leave earlier

"lilyana hurry up

we need to leave soon"

/ / /

i can't stop pacing

too bad i don't smoke

because i think i could really use a cigarette right now

and if there wasn't a chance of random drug test at work

i would throw back a shot

or four

or smoke something strong

but running heavy machinery

yeah

that won't work

so instead i walk

and run my hands through my hair

and rub my neck

scratch my nose

while i wait on lilyana to get ready

/ / /

i drive way too fast

lily looks at me sideways

i just smile

she smiles back

she hasn't mentioned you yet

she's probably already forgot about you

but not me

never

/ / /

after dropping lily at her room

i find myself pacing again

up and down the hall

the library lights are off

no one's there yet

it's early

but i only have ten more minutes

before i have to leave for the mill

where are you?

/ / /

"mr. cullen

what do we owe the pleasure of your presence today?"

mrs. clearwater asks as she digs through her oversized bag

"shoot

where are my keys"

she mumbles

"um"

i hadn't thought of a real reason to be here

just

you

so

"um

lilyana said she thought she owed some money for a book she ripped a page in?"

yeah

that sounds good

"oh those silly kids"

mrs. clearwater flips her bag to the other side and keeps looking

"they say the darnedest things"

i glance down at my watch

four minutes

and i'll have just enough time to get to work

if i speed

again

"well i assure you mr. cullen

your little darling lilyana owes no money whatsoever"

she keeps rambling

i don't hear her anymore

i'm too distracted looking for you

crap

i have to leave

"but you are coming tonight to the children's thanksgiving feast

aren't you mr. cullen?

i believe your lilyana has a speaking part and"

i hate to interrupt her

but

"well

uh

does faculty have to be there tonight?"

there

that's vague enough

"it's not mandatory

but everyone should be there

why?

oh

there's my keys"

she unlocks the door

i spin to leave

"sorry

i have to get to work

i'll see you tonight mrs. clearwater

and congrats on the retirement"

i walk really fast out to my car

of course

i look for you

i don't see you

not yet

but tonight

maybe

yeah


	82. Ch 82, Bella

_(somehow these two chapters disappeared from FFn.. grrr)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

another day

except the kids are wound up

it's the last day of school before thanksgiving holiday break

we get a week off plus weekends

/ / /

i'm going to cook a thanksgiving meal for dad at the cabin

my grocery list is on repeat in my head

i know i'm going to forget something i have to buy

/ / /

"bella

you're staying around for the feast tonight aren't you"

mrs. clearwater asks as she readies the chairs for the next class

"i don't know

i really need to get to the grocery

before they run out of everything"

she wraps her arm around my waist as we walk to the door

"oh honey

you have to come to the feast tonight

the kids will sing

and put on a play

they are too cute to miss

plus it would be a great opportunity for you to meet some of the parents"

i prefer not to acknowledge how my hair stands on end

and my stomach tumbles when i think of meeting some of the parents

because you never know who it may be

it could be you

yeah

it could be you

what would i say?

"i'll see what i can do"

she opens the door and a rush of pre-kers stampede to the reading mat

/ / /

after all the kids are done checking out their books

they line up on the far wall to wait on their teacher to lead them back to the classroom

a little girl with long blond hair walks up to me

she pats on my thigh

"miss bee

hey miss bee"

i squat down eye level with her

"my daddy said you and him

he said that you used to be friends"

i smile

she's so cute

hmmm

another girl with darker hair walks up to us

neither one of them look familiar to me

i wonder who their parents are

"that's wonderful sweetie"

the blond reaches up and touches the ends of my hair

letting it curl around her fingers

my hair is getting long

i need to have it trimmed

"he has a pick-ture of you in his room"

i almost lose my balance

i reach out and brace my fingers on the floor

i gently lean forward up on my knees

she's still fingering my hair

her eyes darting between my face and my hair

her book hugged to her chest with her other hand

"what's your name honey

miss bee sometimes forgets"

the darker hair girl grabs her by the arm

and starts to pull her away

and then she shouts

"her name is lilyana

lilyana cullen

now c'mon lily

the teacher's here

we have to go"

lilyana skips away

my breathing begins to stutter

because

she's yours

you're here 


	83. Ch 83, Bella

_(REPOST - it disappeared)  
><em>

_(in case you haven't noticed, i try to write emotions/feelings/thoughts true-to-life, some of you have picked up on that... TY)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

"bella,

do you need me to help you get up out of the floor hun?"

mrs. clearwater asks

i guess i've been sitting here way too long

"no

no

i can get up

thank you"

i stand

still dazed

you really are here

i mean

i'm assuming you are

your daughter is

she looks nothing like you

but she's beautiful

and she said you have a picture of me?

in your room?

why?

i bet your wife

bree loves that

/ / /

now what edward?

what are we going to say?

how are we going to do this?

i'm nervous

scared

/ / /

i call dad

tell him i'll be home late

i'll just have to go to the grocery after the feast

because i'm going

and i'm going to say hello to you

and i'm going to pretend that it's easy

pretend that i don't think about you more than i should

pretend that you don't turn my world inside out just by the thought of your name

pretend that i don't smile at just the memory of your eyes

pretend that the years have done wonders for me

and i've moved on

pretend that i don't miss you

pretend that it's easy to see you

easy to smile at you

easy to see that you've moved on too

and that you're happy

and that i'm happy for you

even though it will be the hardest thing i've ever done

/ / /

i've accepted the fact that we'll never be

but i've also accepted that you are that one person

the one person i'll carry with me for the rest of my days

forever

the one that's always going to make my heart stumble

and my stomach tie up in knots

no matter what

no matter how long it's been

you are my one

* * *

><p><em>(... so very soon... today)<em>


	84. Ch 84, Edward

_(there are some of you who review every chapter, i wish i could call you out, recognize you somehow, you are truly special!)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

i think about you

and tonight

all day

my mind isn't my own

possessed

what will you say to me?

do you still hate me?

have you forgiven me?

will you ever?

/ / /

i'm meeting my mother and lily at the school

that way i can shower and change before the feast

i keep taking deep breaths

slowly exhaling

it doesn't help

my palms are sweaty

i'm burning up

i can't believe this day is finally here

but then again

i'm terrified

/ / /

i get there a few minutes late

so much for being early

or even on time

i scan the crowd

for lilyana

for you

/ / /

my hands are shaking

i quit trying to analyze this is my head

me seeing you

you seeing me

talking

finally

it was too tiring

i don't know what to expect

/ / /

lily says her little sentence with her class on stage

then she sees me

as soon as they exit the stage

she rushes toward me

i crouch down

my arms open

she fills them like magic

my mother follows her

up the walkway

then i see you

out of the corner of my eye

you stand

from the seats

you turn

i think you're leaving

you seem upset

why?

wait

don't go

stop

"come on daddy

let's go see miss bee

hurry"

she leads me

quickly

toward you

the direction

you left in

my legs work

but i don't feel them

lily's hand in my mine keeps me grounded

people around me speak

but i don't hear them

/ / /

tunnel vision

focus

i only feel

hear

think of

you

and

lily

and

me

together

in one place

finally

* * *

><p><em>(you'll get more.. today, even though i saw peeps complaining on twatter today about fics that update more than twice a day :) i'm such a rebel)<br>_


	85. Ch 85, Bella

_(happy anniversary tracy!)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

i watch lilyana on stage

she's so cute

i can tell the second she spots you

her eyes twinkle

her smile grows

i follow her sight to you

i see you standing there

so handsome

so mature

so grown up

a family man

oh how i've missed you

you're so much the same

but different

/ / /

yet the things i feel

i can't contain them

it's a powerful rush

of so much

feeling

and the main thing i notice

is that

what i feel

it hurts

/ / /

look at what you have

you're so lucky

so happy

so blessed

oh edward

that's wonderful

but it sends a chill down my spine

a prick in my heart

a twist in my gut

it's proof

i'm not over you

not enough

i need time

a few minutes

/ / /

i stand

walk toward the exit

head for the library

i just need a second to compose myself

i don't look at you

but i hope you don't see me

not yet

/ / /

i pull the library door key out of my pocket

my hands are shaking

i can't get it to fit

shit

there are people walking the halls

i ignore them

i just need a minute

please work

i drop the key

i bend to pick it up

i hear more footsteps

closer

/ / /

"hey

miss bee"


	86. Ch 86, Bella

**~B~**

"hey

miss bee"

i hear lily

but i feel you

my skin tingles

everywhere

you shadow over me

behind me

/ / /

"bella wait"

your voice

oh

your breath

your scent

everywhere

you reach around me

i can't even

i can't even look

knowing you are there

here

right here

it's joy

and pain

"let me help you"

your hand circles mine and the key

holding

you steady me

again

just like you always have

i feel you so close

tears wet my face

uncontrollable

i'm confused

i'm scared

why do i feel this way?

/ / /

you push the key in the lock

your right hand reaches around to my right arm

holding again

just barely

just enough

your arms are around me

without touching me too much

your left hand

holding my left hand

turns the key

the lock clicks

we just stand there

quiet

a silent crescendo

the door unlocked

still shut

keeping me upright

next to you

/ / /

i close my eyes

breathe in

"miss bee

was you going in to the library?"

lily

breathe again

"yes miss lily i was

would you and your daddy like to join me?"

my voice almost sounds like my voice

we twist the knob

door opens

air spills

but i'm still struggling to breathe

our hands slip off the knob

but stay together

skin on skin

energy passing

warmth shared

you should let go

right?

i want you to

no

i don't

wait

/ / /

we step through the doorway

lilyana rushes past us

with my free hand

i flick on the light

i look down at our hands

the same

yours

mine

ours

then i look up to your eyes

the same

but different

older

wiser

more handsome

so edward

so you

it's amazing

"bella"

you say my name

a little louder than a whisper

it sounds so much better than i remember

and so much sweeter than in my dreams

* * *

><p><em>(well?)<em>


	87. Ch 87, Edward

_(my fams is all up in my biz today, i'll do what i can..)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

you're running

i get it

i do

but stop

please

it's okay

"hey miss bee"

my lily

she calls out to you

she wants this

she wants you to be my friend

if she only knew

/ / /

we see you

standing there

unlocking the library door

lily quickens her pace

pulling me

to you

she doesn't know

i don't need pulling

/ / /

we reach you

you don't look at us

i see the tear tracks on your face

you shouldn't cry

your hands are shaking

you can't get the key to fit

i'm sorry

i shouldn't

but i can't not help you

i reach out to you

touch your hand

remember you

your skin

against mine

so warm

so sweet

you stop trembling

i'm here for you

do you know that?

however you'll let me

i'm here

"let me help you"

i want to help you

i want to hold you

pull you to me

the need

the want

is so great

it's habit

the strongest of habits

ones you can never quit

you belong in my arms

always

that hasn't changed

never

/ / /

i push in the key

waiting on you to stop me

push me away

you don't

i reach around

and touch your right arm with my right hand

my hands

my arms

my heart

they move on their own

i don't control them

they need you too

/ / /

the door unlocks

we just stand there

a silent interlude

what's next?

i watch you

the slight rise and fall of your back as you breathe

i wait

you lead me

i'm here

/ / /

"miss bee

was you going in to the library?"

i glance over at lily

she doesn't even realize how momentous this is

how it's everything

for more

or less

everything

/ / /

you answer

"yes miss lily i was

would you and your daddy like to join me?"

my skin prickles

your voice

i've missed you so

even though you've changed

i see you

the old you

my bella

but the new you

you're more beautiful

more lovely

less mine

but i still love you

care about you

the heart never lies

the time apart

the years

months

days

minutes

are irrelevant

/ / /

our hands fall away from the door knob

but i don't let go

please don't make me

let me touch you

a little

a lot

forever

/ / /

i move slow

hesitant

you turn on the light

i see you

better

breathtaking

you look at our hands

i hope you remember

i hope you miss it

miss us

like i do

then you look at me

my face

do you see me?

really see me?

see how much i still love you?

see how much i need you?

see how much i want you?

no less than i ever have

only more

really look at me

"bella"

please


	88. Ch 88, Bella

**~B~**

what is time doing?

is it stopping?

stalling?

pausing?

i'm not sure

but it feels as though hours pass

as i stand with my hand in yours

then time snaps

everything rushes

too fast

i'm reminded as lilyana wraps her arm around your thigh

you're married

so

no

i pull my hand away

slide it out of your grasp

your face shows your disappointment

i can't edward

we can't

but i can do this

i can be happy to see you

right?

/ / /

"edward

it's been so long"

and i smile

the best i can

i smile

even though a tsunami of so much emotion is flooding through my heart

i smile

"too long"

you answer

you reach down and brush lily's hair from her forehead

as she hangs on you

so beautiful

seeing you like that

your eyes watch me

still so green

so emerald

i missed them

/ / /

"yeah"

i agree

but i'm breaking

i feel it

i wrap my arms around myself

unsure of what to say

to you

around lily

/ / /

more parents and students file into the library around us

but we don't notice

other children patting my legs

tugging the hem of my shirt

saying my name

i try to answer them

but it's hard

to look away from you

you step closer

so close

i feel like i'm choking

choking on indecision

and guilt

and memories

and want

and hurt

/ / /

then you say it

"i miss you"

and

i fall

swift

blind

scared

/ / /

i close my eyes

you can't do this to me

"don't edward

please"

i feel you even closer

right there

toe to toe

touching

barely

your fingertips touch my fingertips

you squeeze my fingers

"bella

what is it?"

you whisper

voice cracking

/ / /

i open my eyes

do you see my hurt?

"edward"

i look down at lily

"you're married"

i look back up at you

you shake your head

"feel"

you slide your fingers to fit in between mine

tight

"look"

you raise our hands

i look

my right

your left

no ring

what?

you smile

really?

i think my feet rise off the floor

"i'm not married

i didn't"

you shake your head again

and i know for sure

i float


	89. Ch 89, Edward

_(sorry, only 1 today, it's hubs bday, he's clingy, but kids go back to school tomorrow... yipee)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

i see the relief

i feel it

all around us

as you smile

your skin wrinkles in the cutest way

you glow

soft

yet bright

you thought i was married?

you didn't know?

i'm sorry

i should have found you

sought you out

painted it all over your walls

i'm not married

/ / /

i squeeze your hand again

and i repeat it

just in case

listen

"i'm not married

bella"

i see you glance down at lily

the questions swirling

i want to tell you

i want you to know

all of it

i need you to know

"it's a long story"

your eyes gaze on mine

you nod your head

"will you tell me?"

"i will tell you"

we say at the same time

and then we laugh

lilyana stands in between us

she wraps her arm around your thigh

while the other is still wound around mine

she connects us in her own way

three become one

you lay your hand on the top of her head

"do you two want to come and eat thanksgiving dinner with charlie and i?"

i don't even have to think about it

"of course"

i immediately calculate the days

hours

not too many

but more than enough

/ / /

we exchange addresses and phone numbers

it's like christmas

but better

we stand quiet

and still

as people move all around us

but we stay together

close

i watch you with all the other kids

and with their parents

i watch you as you watch lily

the admiration in your eyes

i bet you think she's as beautiful as i think she is

i know you

still

/ / /

we don't say much

there's too much to say

and now it seems inappropriate

but i want to

i want to sit for hours

with you

with me

and just be

with you

with me

and talk

and get back to right

because now is our time

it's here

i know it

/ / /

"edward

there you are"

my mother finds us

i feel you stiffen

but i see you grin at her

and then she shocks us all

she hugs you

and hesitantly

you hug her back

"bella swan

it's still swan isn't it?"

she asks as she releases you

"yeah

it is"

you look at me

i smile

so big

"it's good to see you back in forks"

i think she's honest

"thank you"

you answer

still unsure

i don't blame you

she burnt you

more than once

she grabs lily's hand

"we'll meet you at the car edward"

and then she smiles at me

she knows

she understands

finally

/ / /

i walk you to your car

i seriously don't want you to leave my sight

what if i lose you again?

/ / /

we stop

outside your car door

i see you biting your lip

thinking

i close my eyes

take a deep breath

ready to say something

but i don't know what

then i feel you

your arms

around me

mine reflex

and curl around you

holding you

hugging you

so tight

i smell you

you haven't changed a bit

i want to breathe you in

i do

forever

i missed this

missed you

you're so warm

so familiar

yet new

so delicate

yet strong

your arms tighten

and you melt into me

just enough

i feel like a king again

i hope this is just the beginning

it has to be

i know

i'm sure

this is the way it's supposed to be

always


	90. Ch 90, Bella

_(see how many reviews this fic has? i read & love them all, it makes me ACHE that i can't respond, but i'm assuming you'd rather i get this monster of a fic wrote & posted first, right? ugh...)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

fog

i live in it

that night

the next morning

all day

i'm here

you're here

and you're not married

but you have a daughter

and it's so wonderful

and unnerving

at the same time

/ / /

i go about my days

run my errands

but you're always there

the forefront of my thoughts

can i wait six whole days to see you again?

talk to you?

feel you next to me again?

that's proving to be difficult

a challenge

/ / /

i think about calling you

driving into town

i have your address

and your phone number

would it be intruding?

would you care?

dad asks for my help in the yard

it busies me

for long enough

after hours of trimming trees

i collapse onto my bed

i pick up my cell

a text

from you

'_can __i__ come__ over__?'_

the joy and excitement spill from me

crowd the room

you can't wait either

perfect

/ / /

i text you back

'_of __course_'

immediate response

'_now__?'_

i answer

'_yes_

_please__'_

i shower

dress

and

wait

/ / /

i see your headlights round the curvy driveway

slow

hesitant

i'm bouncing in my shoes

you're here

"dad

i'll be back"

i announce

he winks

he knows

i couldn't contain my news

not if it involves you

and me

us

/ / /

i meet you in the driveway as soon as you stop

i open the passenger side door and scoot in

close the door easy behind me

the spice of you inside the warm interior covers me

i inhale

slow

deep

i missed this

missed you

"hi"

you seem excited too

your hands tucked into your lap

your smile so big

your cheeks may crack

"hey"

i look at you

you look at me

us

again

right now

this is good

/ / /

"where we headed?"

you finally break the silence and ask

"i know this place

it's peaceful

we can sit in the car and catch up

you want to?"

before i even finish speaking

you nod

"i want to"

i glance into the backseat

"where's lilyana?"

i ask

her booster seat bare

"my mother"

you smile again

/ / /

i snuggle back into the seat

and give you directions

it's not far

it won't take us long to get there

maybe tonight time will go easy on us

favor us

and make this night last forever


	91. Ch 91, Bella

_TRYING THIS AGAIN - IT DIDN'T WORK THE 1st TIME! (or the 2nd ... or the 3rd *grumbles*)_

_(have i mentioned that this whole thing is not beta'd? and that Twilight isn't mine? Yeah, my initials are S.O. not S.M. & that this is for beegurl13 - b/c... she's mine ;)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

you follow my directions

and drive up to the parking spot at the top of the ridge

it over looks the lake

you put the car in park

and we both take a deep breath

twice

i silently giggle

"how i can be so excited to see you

and then when you're here

i don't know what to say?"

you say with a chuckle

and run your fingers through your hair

nervous

it's heartwarming

"it is kind of awkward huh?"

i agree

it makes me want to hug you again

you lean back in your seat

the car's still running

the night's chilly

the radio's turned down to a quiet hum

"this view is great"

you say looking straight ahead

"remarkable"

i say

i am surrounded by beauty

everywhere

the moonlight reflects off the water

the moonlight reflects off your eyes

everything glows in a soft light

a girl can only take so much

/ / /

"i don't know where to start"

you sigh

i understand

but this is us

talking

as friends

"just talk to me

start from the beginning i guess"

and you do

you tell me about after you left new york

how you missed me so much

how all you could think about was that i was out having fun without you

looking to replace you

even if i wasn't trying to

and how jealous you were

how you hated that i made you feel that way

how you hated yourself for loving me so much

and for not trusting me

and for feeling vulnerable

and insecure

you felt weak

and you didn't mean for it to happen

you and bree

i cringe

and i'm glad you skip the details

it makes me feel sick

and how you know being drunk is no excuse

but how it really did just happen

an accident

a slip up

just once

and as you talk

i listen

but the hurt creeps

it invades

it makes me hollow

and it makes me ache

and my tears pool

but they don't fall

/ / /

i can't change the past

it happened

i know this

but it doesn't make it easier

you grab my hand

"please forgive me

i'm so sorry

if i could

i'd change it"

i shush you

i know

i have forgiven you

it hurts

it does

but we were younger

we were stupid

love was harder work than we were willing to give

to try

but that was then

this is now

i don't know why the things happened the way they did

i cover our hands with my other

and i tell you

"it's okay

i forgive you

everything happens for a reason

right?"

i just wonder what the reason was

/ / /

then you tell me about the wedding

about how your parents were insisting

how you nor bree wanted to go through with it

but you did

you was going to

why not?

you say

you apologize for me getting an invite

then you tell me about your fall out with your mother over it

and how she was just pushing you

or something

it's hard to believe

but whatever

as least it wasn't from you

it wasn't you hurting me

on purpose

that helps

but i still feel unsettled

betrayed somehow

"so why didn't you get married?"

i ask

you take a second

"bree and i decided it wasn't worth settling for

we didn't love each other

all we had in common was lilyana"

and then i see it

the hurt

the confusion

on your face

i don't understand

where's bree now?

you have lilyana

right?

i can forgive you for everything

for hurting me

i really think i can

we can move past that

but there seems to be more

are you holding back?

will you tell me?

* * *

><p><em>Epov next<em>

_(i still don't know how may chapters this will be, too many obviously, a HUGE shout out to my girlie (whom i get to meet on BD weekend!) - **surething302** at **The Lemonade Stand,** they have a new weekly drabble feature... and guess which fic she mentioned... linkage on profile)_


	92. Ch 92, Edward

**~E~**

it's easy to say why i betrayed you

it's effortless to say why bree and i didn't marry

but talking about lilyana

and her situation

it ties me up inside

i feel bound to protect her

and myself

this is big

and heavy

and so important to me

but then again

so are you

/ / /

"what is it?"

you turn in your seat toward me

seeing you in the dim light like this

it takes me back

i think of all the times i sneaked into your room

or when we'd make out

in our cars

after a football game

or a basketball game

soccer

baseball

softball

it was always me and you

i remember that

i remember how it made me feel

like i could handle

tackle

live through anything

and i did

even without you

i made it through

so this

has to be easy to share

/ / /

but it's not

"this is hard"

i admit

you take a deep breath

wipe your eyes

"i know"

you whisper

but i want you to know

so i tell you

"when lily was six months old

bree told me she wasn't mine

not biologically"

you gasp

"what?

i

what do you mean?"

i see the quickened rise and fall of your chest

and you're looking at me

as though i'm crazy

so i continue to explain

all of it

about how bree left us

leaves us still

how she's not a part of lily's life

not enough to matter

i tell you about my visit with the lawyer

and how i made her custody legally binding

i tell you who her father is

and how rude he is

and how he gave her away like it was the easiest thing he's ever done

you're crying more

i tell you how i haven't told anyone

just bree

myself

my lawyer

and

riley know

and as i tell you about how much i love that little girl

how she is my world

my life

my own tears gather

and the words are harder to say

and i apologize

because somewhere in my head

i feel like i had to choose lily over you

and that it hurts

because i didn't

not really

but i did what i had to do

you shake your head

"no edward

don't apologize

please"

your hand comes up to swipe my cheek

wipe away my tears

my guilt

"you made the right choice

edward

you did

i'm so proud of you

and the man you've become

you amaze me"

and it makes me smile

just a little

to hear you say that

"thank you for telling me"

you say

i take your hand off my cheek

i pull it to my lips

i kiss the top of your hand

ever so lightly

i hold to my lips

for just a minute

you give me that

peace

with just a touch

/ / /

"i missed you bella

everyday

no matter what

i did

i do

i thought about you all the time

and i don't know what you have going on in your life right now

but i want to know

i want to begin again

start as friends

or whatever

and i want to get to know you all over again

can we do that?"

and you sniff

and smile

and wipe your nose

and try to talk

you nod your head

"i think i'd like that to"

and so it begins

the rest of our forever

* * *

><p><em>(after this, time in this fic will go quickly in parts, i will note when it jumps)<em>


	93. Ch 93, Bella

**~B~**

the next few days

i find myself thinking a lot

over everything you told me

over everything that's happened

to you

to me

sometimes i get sad

sometimes i'm confused

or angry

upset

but it all comes back to one thing

i'm glad you're here

and that you're honest with me

and that fate has lead me here

and now we have this future to look forward to

even if it's not defined yet

there's a little hope there

/ / /

over the break we talk a lot on the phone

i feel like i'm sixteen again

i lie in my bed and giggle under the covers

sometimes we almost fall asleep

and some nights

we are content to just listen to the other breathe

it's deja vu

/ / /

you tell me you want to see me

a lot

more than you get to

but you don't want lilyana to get the wrong idea

not yet

i get it

we're still on unstable ground

unsure

who knows what's going to happen

to us

but i like it

i like not knowing

waking up every morning and thinking

'what today?'

it's exciting

/ / /

i finally told you about jay

you were quiet

it put you in a bad mood

but i was truthful with you

he's still a friend of mine

and i'm sure

soon he's going to come and visit

and i'm going to tell him about you

about us

he deserves that

/ / /

some nights lily stays with your mother

you always drive over here

i hear you knock

soft

but fast

careful not to wake my dad

i really need my own place

/ / /

you sent me a text

you're on your way over tonight

i'm excited to see you again

even though

we're still not us

not completely

it's like there's this wall in between us

the tension is there

the desire is there

the want

the need

but we hold back

we need sure

we need affirmation

and control

we touch the wall

then back off

happy where we are

but excited for that day

we can both scale it

with nothing weighing us down

holding us back

/ / /

"come in"

i grab your hand and pull you into the den

you collapse onto the couch

pulling me with you

i land in your lap

i like it here

"i'm tired"

you groan

"why didn't you stay home and go to bed?"

you shake your head

saying one word

that makes me warm

"you"

you lean your head back onto the couch

close your eyes

relaxing

breathing

and i ogle you

working at the mill has defined your muscles

i see them

clearly

even through your shirt

cut

hard

tone

a man

and then your hair

you've let it grow

it's wild

and tame at the same time

sexy

grab worthy

and then you haven't shaved

it's there

just enough

i can't help but touch it

rub over it

i like the scratch

on my skin

you shift and moan

just a little

i slide over to sit beside you

turn towards you

but still close

using both hands now

i sweep over your jaws

your eyes crack open

i watch as your adam's apple dips and rises slow as you swallow hard

you crook your head to the side a little

you're warning me

i'm pushing on that wall

watching me

you grab my hand

pull it to your lips

one at a time

take my fingers

bite

scrape

my fingertips

with your teeth

i feel it in my ears

and my toes

and all the places in between

sometimes your tongue wets your lips

before you bite the next one

how have i resisted you this long?

slowly you pull me closer

wrap one arm around my waist

i'm practically straddling your thigh

that's a good thing

your curl one hand around my neck

under my hair

you pull me closer still

i feel your breath on my lips

i can taste you in my mouth before we even touch

my mouth waters

the tip of your tongue reaches out to tease my lips

and i break

finally

lips on lips

bare

breathing together

as one

we kiss

and kiss

and kiss

like we're kids again

and this is the best thing we've ever done

and only when we think we hear my dad

we pause

still close

and giggle

and shush

and remember

and want

and excite for all that is to come


	94. Ch 94, Edward

_(if it rains out football tonight, you'll get another today_..._and i imagine lily has this cute lil speech impediment, like love = wuv, her = hur, but idk how to write it *shrugs*)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

_(april 2010)_**  
><strong>

lilyana carries around that framed picture of us

and when she pretends

when she's in her room

with her dolls all sitting in a row

she is miss bee

i love to stand at her door and listen

"be quiet students"

her hands on her hips

a crayon behind her ear instead of a pencil

she looks up to you

already

it's wonderful

she's amazing

and growing so much every day

how did I ever live without her?

/ / /

i tuck her in

she glances over at the picture now sitting on her nightstand

"daddy

do you love her?"

i know she's talking about you

but i ask anyway

"who baby girl?"

she snuggles down deeper into her covers

"miss bee

bel-la

do you love her?"

i'm sure she already knows

i never hide it

never have

"i do love bella

daddy has always loved her"

i brush her hair away from her eyes

"what about momma bree

did you love her too?"

we talk about bree

a lot

i feel like lily should know some part of her

no matter how small

"i loved momma bree different

than i love bella

just like i love you different

i love momma bree like a friend"

lily interrupts me

"oh

like i love my friends

claire and robert?"

her eyes are wide and twinkling

"yes lily"

i agree

"and boots?

you love her like i love boots?"

my parent's dog

and for the sake of explanation

i answer

"yes lilyana"

"but you love bella more

right daddy?"

she rolls onto her side

i nod my head

"why don't you marry her daddy?

that's what people who love each other does

they marry"

she knows too much to be an almost-five year old

geesh

"daddy and bella are taking it slow

but i promise

if anything changes

you'll be the first to know"

i bend down and kiss her cheek

"you pinky promise daddy?"

she holds her tiny pinky up

and i smile

"i promise"

we pinky shake

and i have to kiss her again

"good night lilyana"

/ / /

you call me

you tell me he's here

jay

and you tell me

like you've told me a hundred times

that you two are just friends

and i believe you

i do

but i'm a guy

i know how we think

especially how we think of you

you say you're going to tell him about us

about how we reconnected

about how we are

about everything

and i believe you

but if he really cares for you

he may put up a fight

but i'm ready

you're worth fighting for

/ / /

i don't hear from you the rest of the day

or the night

i don't sleep

so help me

i wanted to drive over there

stake my claim

but i didn't

i don't

i'm trying this whole trusting you thing

it's not easy

/ / /

i take lily out for lunch

it's one of our lazy sundays

where we watch movies all day

or really she watches movies

and i read

or nap

we sit in the booth by the window

it's a nice spring day

but i'm thinking about you

what you're doing

it's difficult not to

and then i see you

with him

your standing in line for the matinee movie

his arm is around your waist

your both smiling

and laughing

my jealous churns

i watch

it's merely platonic

i know this

i can see it

but i don't like it

i don't like not knowing what you're saying

i don't like not being there with you

laughing with you

sharing every minute of every day with you

it feels wrong

and like i'm being cheated

we are cheating ourselves

what are we waiting for?

why are we waiting?

i watch you disappear into the theater

and i wait on lily to finish

"daddy can i have dessert?"

i have a plan

but i have to be careful

lilyana doesn't keep secrets well

"how about we go over there to that store first?"

i point across the street

beside where you are

"what store is that?

do they have toys?

will you buy me a toy?"

she's out of her seat in a flash

"they don't have toys

but they have pretty necklaces

and earrings

and bracelets

and rings

would you like to look at rings?"

* * *

><p><em>(remember, i like surprises, so what you think WILL probably happen, won't ;)<em>


	95. Ch 95, Edward

_(more tomorrow, and i think i can finally feel the homestretch, i'll let you know as we get closer)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

lily and i wait on you to exit the movie

it's almost time

you walk out

you're talking to him

but soon enough you see me

see us

you quicken your steps

your arms go around me

mine around you

i hold you tight

i lift you off the ground

breathe you in

kiss your cheek

i wonder how he likes that

i set you down

but keep you close

i look him over

i think i can take him

but he doesn't look too concerned

or upset

/ / /

you wiggle out of my hold

and bend down to hug lilyana

she immediately starts twirling your hair

"daddy bought you something"

lily spills

oh no

"but I can't tell you because it's a surprise"

dammit

"lilyana!"

i hiss

"it's okay daddy

i didn't tell her"

lily says so serious

you throw your head back and laugh

you stand and wrap your arm around my waist

my arm goes around you

fits in that space

that curve of your waist

perfect

i pull you close again

i shake my head

figures

i knew better

"well miss lily

tell your daddy that i don't like surprises"

lily nods

but tries to wink at me

instead it's both her eyes closing

i point my finger at her

but i can't be mad at her

she's too cute

/ / /

"jay

this is edward"

i stand tall

stick out my hand

"good to finally meet you edward

bella hasn't shut up about you all day"

yesssss

we shake

so far

so good

you look behind you

"oh

there she is"

you say as you wave with your hand

and another brown haired woman walks over

"and edward

this is jane

jay's fiance"

you elbow me

"isn't that wonderful"

jay and jane?

but that's great

"yeah man

congratulations"

i look down at you

and your beaming

it rubs off on me

and i beam

you reach around with your other hand

and rub over my chest a few times

"where have you been?

i called you and lily to see if you wanted to catch a movie with us

and you never answered your cell"

it dawns on me

i pat my pockets

"dang

i think i left it at the house"

you grip me tighter

fisting my shirt on my side

i see you looking at my lips

i know what that means

i feel the same way

maybe later?

yeah

definitely later

"we were going to go and grab a bite to eat

do you and lilyana want to join us?"

jay asks

of course we just ate

but

of course

"well

lily was wanting some dessert"

i say and wink at her

you bend down and pick her up

she's too big for that

but you do it anyway

"how about apple pie?

hot apple pie

with ice cream?

mmmmm"

you tickle her

"yeah!

apple pie

apple pie"

she cheers

because you taught her that

how to cheer

and she wants to be like you

you take off with her in your arms

and i follow

you and her

forever

* * *

><p><em>(shame on you who thought I'd let her get with jay - shame, shame, shame is your name!)<em>


	96. Ch 96, Bella

_(there was no MHB updates yesterday in honor of the ending of my beegurl's Worship, but some of you said you were ready for an update, so let's get to it)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

jay and jane left forks

and lily was tired

so we parted ways

you go one way

i go the other

but you call me when she's asleep

and your settled

and finally

i relax

it's only been a matter of hours

but i miss you

/ / /

"hey"

you

your voice

just saying one syllable

it pacifies me

a tune of calmness

"hey you"

and i can't help but throw in

and poke

"so you got me a surprise?"

i suppress my laugh

you groan

"not funny

but

yeah

i did"

you say

low and deep

and i swoon

every

time

please

catch me

/ / /

hours later

you yawn into the phone

then i yawn

"i should let you go"

i say indecisively

"don't"

you whisper

and i smile

and think 'never'

but

"it's late edward"

i sigh

"go on a date with me"

you say louder than you spoke before

"what?"

i chuckle

"will you?

go out with me?"

i sit up in my bed

"but we go out all the time"

i say with confusion

"i want to take you out properly

like we used to

i'll get a babysitter

all night"

oh

OH

"yeah

of course

i'd love to

when?"

i'm already squirming

"friday night?"

tomorrow is monday

i think i can last until then

"perfect

so

where are we going?"

i ask so i can plan

"not sure yet

somewhere nice

then somewhere

alone"

i take a deep breath

hide my moan

"sounds wonderful"

i hum

because

yeah

it really does

/ / /

the week lasts forever

time is sluggish and stubborn

most nights

i dream of you

and in those dreams

in those depths

you're mine again

completely

wholly

and when i wake

i wish to sleep again

/ / /

you pick me up

take me to eat

we go for a drink

you offer to take me to a movie

or a club

i just want you

alone

then you tell me you have an idea

and your lips curl

eyebrows wag

hands hold hands

arms parallel

legs touch

eyes devour

breathing speeds

and my body heats

for you

* * *

><p><em>(do you know where this is headed?)<em>


	97. Ch 97, Edward

**~E~**

i'm not taking you home

and we're not going back to my house

yet

but i want to take you back to that overlook

on top of the ridge

near the lake

the place where we talked

we didn't do much more there

but i think about it often

how quiet

and secluded

and perfect it would be

to be with you

there in my arms

so close to the moon

and the stars

our own paradise on earth

i want to kiss you there

so high

so close to the heavens

you take me there anyway

so

will you soar with me?

/ / /

you look at me funny as we drive closer

but as soon as i take a right

instead of a left

you know

the ridge

not your house

i drive slow

and build the wait

the want

increase the anticipation

it thumps with our heartbeats

you can feel it

i can feel it

like a kicker drum is right here

right between us in the car

i like the beat

the sound

the feel

/ /

it's a warm night

i park

roll down the windows

turn on the playlist i made for us

it's all our old songs

and some new ones too

i get out

circle the car

open your door

reach for your hand

"dance with me"

and i see it

how happy you are

it helps the moon cut through the dark

i'm sure i look the same way

/ / /

you look magnificent

and gorgeous

your hair pulled up loosely

your blue sundress

with your light sweater on over it

because you're always cold

i'll warm you up

always

feel me

take my heat

/ / /

i gather you close

you fit so perfect

my arms were made to hold you

they were empty without you

lost

barren

but when you're here

next to me

so close

it's like i'm standing at the edge of the world

powerful

the earth at my command

the mountains begging for my mercy

the winds waiting for my instructions

it's better

than it ever was before

me and you

do you know that?

i tighten my arms around your back

as we sway

"this is perfect"

you mumble into the skin of my neck

i feel your grin

it tickles my flesh

your breath warming me

making me hotter

"not yet"

i admit

you lean back

just enough

for your eyes to glue to mine

"what do you mean?"

my fingers grip your hips

harder than they should

but so needy

"you haven't officially said you'll be my girl

just

mine

and i want you to

be mine"

you giggle

angels dance

"why edward cullen

are you asking me to go steady?"

and even though you're kidding

i know

that you know

i'm serious

"yeah

for now

for more later

for always

i still love you bella

i do

i love you still

even more"

your nails scratch at the hairs that are lowest on my neck

the sensation runs through my blood

like poison

covers every inch of my skin

like flowing water

"i've never stopped being your girl

you own me

always

and edward

i love you still too

only more"


	98. Ch 98, Bella

_(not many more... except for the *gulp* epi which will b multi chappies, as soon as the rest is wrote, i'll let you know details)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

you stop swaying

halt our dancing

and stare at me

deep

i see myself

reflected in your eyes

just like i did so many moons ago

and it's familiar

home

and for a second

i remember

and i long for you all over again

even though you're here

holding me

touching me

grounding me

it's like waking from a deep sleep

in the middle of the night

in an unfamiliar bed

but then you fumble for the lamp

and the light illuminates your surroundings

and finally

you can breathe

because you're safe

everything you need

everything you want

is yours

you're not lost

you're found

you're right where you belong

that's where i am

with you

/ / /

your hands rise

cup my cheeks

my hands grip your forearms

you lean forward

and you kiss me

really kiss me

and i recall the first time we kissed

when you really kissed me

it was perfect

and i felt it

all over my body

every cell

every atom

my knees gave out

my mind jumbled

i was dizzy

i couldn't breathe

i didn't want to

i didn't need to

and now

when you kiss me again

and again

and

again

i feel the exact same way

it's all our memories rolled into one

mixing and dancing with our future

not lost

found

home

/ / /

we pause for air

your taste lingers on my lips

i starve for you

hungry

and then after minutes

hours

i can still feel you

on my lips

branded

fused

so good

/ / /

you push me back up against the hood of your car

my legs hit metal

your hands are roaming

i can't get enough

i'm yours

didn't i tell you that?

you're tasting my neck

my skin

i rejoice

then you kiss me again

long

hard

you nip at my bottom lip

and it hurts

but i thrive

i taste blood

just a little

slick

and bold

you lean back

your eyes are dark

and wicked

and lustful

i reach to touch my lip

and you gently bat my hand away

your eyes dance from my eyes

to my lip

and back

and forth

then slow

predatory

you lean forward

lick the blood

my lip

my skin

and my body takes flight

the jumping inside of me

i'm alive

and i want

no

i need

you

/ / /

your hands roam low

to the edge of my dress

it's bunching up in your grasp

collecting

exposing me

rising up

higher

on my skin

my body

it cries out to you

then obeys at your touch

you push me back

your hood is still warm

i reach backwards

to prop myself up

stay as close to you as i can

you push up over me

above me

like a twin sun

to heat me

warm me

light my way

and i know

as i know

as i know

we belong together

for as i'm sure

i know

we are not quite right without the other

we are one

endless bodies

forever


	99. Ch 99, Edward

_(i've officially been posting this fic for a month solid, so let's celebrate... and if you don't like citrus, you may want to skip over the next few chapters)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

i cant keep my hands off you

you magnetize me

north to south

equal

not complete without the other

you're under me

the weak metal of the roof sounding it's protest

you're panting

submissive

waiting

but you are my cushion

my platform

my foundation

my better half

/ / /

i look down at your legs

on each side of me

bare

knees bent

feet propped on the bumper

your dress high and bunched around your waist

your panties

teasing me

covering what's mine

you watch as i touch you

my fingertips start at your ankle

so faint

like a whisper

your skin breaks out in goosebumps

you shiver

just wait

i swirl over your knee

i kiss the scar on the top

then the top of your thigh

the soft skin there

i trace up your pelvic bone

over your satin

your thin cloth

across the top of your waistband

to the other side

and then i move downward

so slow

thigh again

knee

shin

ankle

and then i push your knees further apart

your legs open willingly

welcoming me

mine

/ / /

i see the wetness

the moon shows me

fuck

so inviting

i touch you

on the outside of your panties

damp

hot

enticing

you whimper

i kiss the inside of your knee

open mouth

taste your skin

lick it

use my teeth

smell your skin

while my fingers still tease

on the outside

you start to wiggle

try and close your legs

nope

mine

i use one finger

to move the thin barrier away

just enough

to touch you

just a little

i watch you

watching me

i spread the slick

i'm so hard

it hurts

i missed this

then you beg

"please

edward"

you try and sit up

reaching for me

"no

wait"

i demand

you huff and plop back down

i take both hands

grab the edges

and slowly

tug the offending satin down

and i see you

enough of you

wanting

waiting

mine

/ / /

"now"

you all but growl

tired of my taunting

impatient for more

you know right?

i'm ready for more too

for all of it

over

and over

and over again

always

you sit up again

grab at my pants

pull and twist

push

until i'm naked in your hard

hard and heavy

a little wet

you want this?

please say yes

* * *

><p><em>(it's not easy to write this with just a few words &amp; it be... decent, i have a busy day, but as of now 2 more updates are waiting)<em>


	100. Ch 100, Bella

_(ohemgee, i'm freaking out - 100 chapters.. FML, but thrilled with the 3k+ reviews =)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

i slide to the edge of the car hood

you pull my hands away from your cock

my two hands in one of yours

you hold them above my head

hard and flush against the hood

you look down at my sex

with your cock in your other hand

you rub your head over me

wet

top to bottom

to top

cover you

with me

again

and again

don't stop

so good

it's bad

i push against your hands

try and slide down further

and get closer to you

useless

then you look up at my face

at the same time you push in

you say it

"i love you bella"

and i'm full

of love

and life

and you

and i'm so happy

and it feels like the best thing ever

a series of yes-es fall from my lips

it's all of you

and all of me

with no more to spare

you still

and take deep breaths

i moan

and wiggle

trying to free my hands

i want to feel you

need to touch you

"fuck bella

be still"

you warn

but you let me loose

my arm curls around your neck

my fingers knot your hair

my other hand props me up

you start again

and thrust

slow

long

steady

controlled

"shit

i'm not going to last long"

you say into my hair

with a deep moan

i like the power

"i don't care

we have all night"

i want you wild

i use my heels to push you deeper

i feel the curly hair of your thighs as they tense with each push

i pull myself up

you are my anchor

i circle both arms around your neck

my tongue finds the shell of your ear

your cup my ass

pull me tighter

how much closer til we merge?

blend?

/ / /

i find rhythm in your moans

your gasps

your breaths

i feel you swell as you get closer

and i'm not there

close

but not yet

i'm not worried

i know you're good for it

later

really soon later

you speed

just enough

i feel your mouth fall open against my shoulder

a silent cry into the night

and you pulse

and jerk

mumble

and groan

i sigh

and wrap myself within your arms

in contentment

and love

and the past

and the future

and you

and me

and forever


	101. Ch 101, Edward

_(tomorrow i will post the last 2 chapters, excluding the multi-chapter epilogue)_

* * *

><p><strong>~E~<strong>

my world is still spinning

you feel so fucking perfect under me

me buried in you

and i know you didn't come

and i want to fix that

it was just too good

and it'd been too long

and when you have sex with your one true love

it's kind of the best feeling ever

/ / /

i don't pull out

i stay spent inside of you

i lay you back down

and my lips find yours

so sweet

and i kiss you again

steal your breath

speak to your soul

i taste you

my favorite flavor of life

it's not just lips on lips

it's so much more

it's a dance of passion

a tango of love

a promenade of lust

you start to make these sounds

they shimmy into my skin

fuel me

before long

you're squirming under me again

and you are so wet

and hot

i start to get hard

not enough

not completly

but i reach down between us

i rub on your clit

fast

then slow

i swivel my hips

dipping into you

my fingers trail down

i trace you

your wetness

mixed with mine

the outside of me in you

then back up

to that spot you want me to touch

the swollen one

the sensitive one

you start to jerk your hips

you're close now

so i don't stop

i don't stop

i swivel

friction

and kisses

and bites

and licks

you whisper my name

then you fall apart

under me

around me

and i love you more

every breath

every beat

every blink

i love you

more


	102. Ch 102, Bella

_(i have a migraine, so no more today, sorry)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

you take me home

to your home

i've been here before

with you and lilyana

but for the first time

it's just you and me

all night

i've been waiting for this

and even though i thoroughly enjoyed the car sex

i want you in bed

over me

under me

next to me

warming me

skin on skin

all night

and as long as we can in the morning

just us

again

/ / /

we barely sleep

our hands are busy

our lips are bruised

our body sated

the smell of sex stained sheets covering us

and we ignore the sun as it lights the sky

one thing we didn't do?

talk

words are useless

unnecessary

/ / /

we shower and eat

cuddle on the couch

this is the life

i hate that i've missed out on some of it

you go into the kitchen

to refill our glasses

you come back with a black box

velvet

long

"my surprise?"

i wink

"more like a token

a gift"

you smile

hand it to me

lean forward on your elbows

after you sit

while i stall

embarrassed

but i open it anyway

slowly

it's a necklace

beautiful

and dainty

a heart

encrusted with diamonds

sparkly

"put it on me"

i ask choked up

"turn around"

you say

i turn

i hand it to you

you pull up my hair

i feel your fingers graze my neck

as you hook the clasp

then a small kiss

just one

on my bare skin

gentle

"there"

with my fingertips

i touch it

feel over it

cool on my chest

heavy near my heart

then you say

"it's a symbol

because

you own my heart bella

you always have

i figured it was just time you knew"

i don't know what to say

except for

"i love you edward

i do

thank you

it's so beautiful

and perfect

how can i ever repay you?"

you pull me into your arms

secure

tight

home

"just love me

always"

you answer

and i celebrate

because i'm positive

i can handle that

* * *

><p><em>(one more... reg chappie =)<em>


	103. Ch 103, Edward

**~E~**

"oh wait"

i say

and stand

"there's one more thing

baby"

i reach into my jean pocket

"here"

i hand you a copy of my door key

you let it lie in the palm of your hand

"is this what i think this is?"

you say

out of breath

and i think i see you begin to tear up

happy tears i hope

"yeah

it is

i know it may be too soon

but i don't care

i love you

lily loves you

i want you here with us

whenever you want to be

you have an open invitation to our home"

you curl your fist around the silver key

you pull it to cover your heart

"thank you"

you sniff

"you know

it could even be your home

if you want it to be

i'm ready

whenever you are"

i say with all honesty

you arms go around me

"i love you"

you say into my shirt

then your lips find my neck

and you say it over

and over

and over again

"i love you

i love you

i love you"

i pull you to cover me on the couch

and we waste the rest of the day

until my mother knocks on the door

/ / /

lilyana runs in

jumps on the couch with us

we are crowded

and giggling

and about to fall off the couch

but it's good

she's so happy

i'm so happy

does life get better than this?

i could think of a few ways

one

you'd have my last name

two

lily would have a sibling

or four

but there's time for that later

we have the rest of our days

to live

together

me

you

us

forever

* * *

><p><em>AN: I know some of you won't like what i'm about to reveal, but I think (and hope) most of you will appreciate it._

_If this were in a book, this would be the last page of the next to last chapter, and you could cheat & peek ahead a few pages & see what happens in the last chapter. Also, you would know how it ends per the summary (read it again JIC). So, i'm going to warn you, if THIS is how you want this ExB to live forever, stop reading now. This fic is wrote for my beegurl & before i ever wrote the 1st word, she told me how she wanted to end it. If you need reminding of what she wanted, well - she wanted to cry... I think the conclusion is beautiful and poetic and real and fits. And if you start reading the epilogue, you have to read it to through to the end to get the full effect. It will span YEARS..._

_Also, some of you have asked & asked if MHB would be a HEA, and my answer to that is: Shouldn't ExB always end up together in the END?_

_The epi will be multi-chapters and I will post them all in the same day, give me a few days to get them all wrote._

_Until then... thank you for reading, pimping, reviewing, encouraging me, twittering me, FBing me and this fic. When I wrote this I thought I might get laughed out of the fandom, you all proved me wrong._

_Please, if you've never reviewed before, drop me a review to say you read this. OR if you don't think you want to read the epi, send me a review now, I totally understand._

_And beegurl, I love you buckets of buckets and a few buckets more. You complete me. It's hard for me to imagine that I may never get to meet you in the flesh, I pray the world is not that cruel._

_~Mrs. R (__Twittter: Mrs_Robward)_


	104. Ch 104, Epilogue 1

_(there were some girls on twitter, being all sweet & impatient, so here's the 1st chapter of the epi, **THE NEXT 8 will post in the morning**, SO WAIT if you want...)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

life is busy

but i try and stop

pause

breathe

reflect

say thanks

we've been back together for months now

only growing closer

more in love

it seems that you

and lily

and i

we all just fit into each other's lives

so effortlessly

it's like magic

perfect magic

we try not to let her catch us snuggled in bed together

but she's sneaky

and she loves to surprise us

jump right in the middle of us

asleep or awake

but we don't complain

it's nice

to feel so comfortable

to be a family

it's a kind of heaven

/ / /

"so

when are you officially going to move in here?"

you ask one morning

at the kitchen table

i look around

and shrug

"does it matter?"

i tease

you shrug back

"i want you here

always"

you say

so serious

that i feel it

your words

around me

in me

everywhere

your green eyes

dazzling me

warming me

"soon

i promise"

i say

and i mean it

i want to

i'm not even sure why i'm holding back

"good"

you say

then you steal my last piece of bacon

/ / /

we have a date tonight

i love nights like this

we plan

and make time to be alone

then we waste the night

in love

i stop by the package store to pick up a bottle of wine

make that two

when i get home

you're not there

you should be

my heart starts to race

"edward?"

i yell through the house

even though your car is not outside

where are you?

a million things fly through my mind

then i stop

i see headlights

as a car pulls in the drive

i blow out a breath of relief

i go and change

slip into something more casual

but then there's a knock

that's unusual

and then another one

hard

loud

rapid

"coming"

i yell

i swing open the door

"bella"

my father

pale

aged

troubled

he tries to smile

but fails

"get your shoes"

he says

stern

yet quiet

so i do

"come on"

he leads me out to the car

he starts it up

drives fast

i fidget

"what is it?"

he shakes his head

quickly

"dad"

i plead

as the fear rises

consumes

blinds me

"there was an accident"

* * *

><p><em>Mrs_Robward on twitter, i've been posting teasers for each remaining chapter there. See you in the morning for the rest...<em>


	105. Ch 105, ePilogue 2

_(some won't like what's about to happen, but stay with me, read it through to the end, and please respect that i'm seeing the original plot through to the end... _

_don't hate... appreciate)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

almost three months

gone

with nothing

not a laugh

or a smile

a breath on your own

a twitch of a muscle

a blink of eye

a response from a tickle

a shift of a toe

nothing

the doctor's say brain dead

and i dissolve

every time

how?

why?

it can't be

i just got you back

you can't leave me again

or lily

we need you

/ / /

i've heard the story of the accident a hundred times

the tradgey that rocked the town

the malfunction of the pulleys at the mill

the wall of large timber that fell

so many were injured

some dead

crushed

the town in mourning

how you were hit in the back of the head

while you knocked someone else out of the way

a hero

a selfless hero

how you felt no pain

but how you never were conscious

and while others recovered

released

back to life

there's you

and there's me

how we're both stuck

you're here in body

but not in soul

me neither

for my brain works

but not my heart

it's too broken

/ / /

your mother

her arms hold me many a day

and night

as i cry

and plead

and pray

and beg

for anything

for something

because i've heard

i've heard them say

if you don't

if you don't wake up

they are going to turn you off

turn off the machines

pull the plug

take you away from me for good

how will i live?

how will i go on?

your mother comforts me

tries to convince me you're already gone

and logically

i know

but i can't

i can't give up on you

not now

not ever

/ / /

some evenings

lily comes in

she knows your sick

that you had an accident

and we explained to her that you might not ever wake up

we let her cry

talk to you

hold your hand

rub through your hair

kiss your cheek

we tell her you hear her

she's strong

stronger than me

she sings to you

tells you silly jokes she learned at school

one night she's in my lap

she's reading you a story

she stops

looks up at me

tears in her eyes

as well in mine

permanent fixtures

she tells me it will be okay

her petite hand on my cheek

she tells me that me and her

that we'll be all right

and i wish i could believe her

i want to feel all right

/ / /

another week gone

and nothing

i feel it

the doom thick in the air

i count the reps of your breathing machine

the nurses are getting louder

closer

i know they're about to run me out for the night

i wore out my welcome months ago

so i snuggle in closer to you on the bed

my head on your shoulder

and i tell you

as i do every night

how much i love you

need you

miss you

how i will forever

for always

and i kiss your cheek

my lips linger there

your skin doesn't smell like your skin anymore

you're too pale

you're hair is flat

you've lost weight

but i love you still

love you more

never will stop

ever

no matter what


	106. Ch 106, epIlogue 3

_(some one asked why i didn't categorize this as tradegy, that's b/c this part, is such a small part, it doesn't define the whole fic, that's my reasoning anyway)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

i watch them lower your casket into the cold ground

down

down

down

i want nothing more than to crawl in there with you

have your bones become my bones

have my tears become your tears

fuse us together for good

so maybe this time

and forever

we won't have to be apart ever again

/ / /

i am numb

and lost

wandering

cold

scared

afraid

and i ache

so much

i ran out of tears days ago

and my chest hurts from my sobs

/ / /

my hands falls to rest on the tiny swell of my stomach

and the life that thrives there

the heartbeat i hear at every doctor visit

the small peanut looking thing on the black and white picture that i have

four months and two weeks

i'd dismissed the sickness

the dizziness

the tiredness

thought it was because of nerves

and sorrow

and losing you

slowly

and painfully

not because i was pregnant

with your child

but the day i lost you

i collapsed

outside your hospital door

your father treated me

and was the one to tell me

your mother and i cried

you gave me life

after your death

a reason to push forward

no matter how difficult it is

no matter how my body aches with each breath

i remind myself

breathe in

breathe out

eat

sleep

wake

live


	107. Ch 107, epiLogue 4

**~E~**

do you know i'm here?

can you feel me?

do you hear me answer you

when you call my name from your dreams?

i hear you

say my name

sometimes it's a scream

sometimes it's a prayer

but i always hear you

answer you

/ / /

i watch over you

and lily

every second

of every day

always

i often worry about you

your health

and the baby

i wish i could cry

because i would

happy

joyous

wonderful tears

i'm so proud of you

for pressing on

living

without me

you're so strong

i hope you find happiness

and fulfillment

and left wanting for nothing

you deserve that bella

just as the spring flowers deserve the sun of a new day

and the moon deserves the audience of stars

you deserve the world

i hope you know

i would have given you that if i could

the world

it would have been yours

/ / /

oh what i would give

for one more night

one more time to finger your hair

one more brush of your sweet lips against mine

one more chance to feel your small palm resting in mine

one more time of your breath tickling my ear as we make love

one more time to tell you how much i love you

and how happy and complete you made my life

one more night just to hold you

in my arms

/ / /

i whisper to you often

hoping you'll hear me

as you go about your days

because i'm here

the dew clinging to your windshield in the morning

the fog that lingers too late in the afternoon

the early snowflakes that cover your porch steps

the butterfly that visits your window seal

the wind that hums late in the night

the breeze that swirls at your feet

the mist that leaves your lips

the rain that pellets your face

the tickle on the back of your neck

the presence that you look for

the presence you sometimes speak to

the presence that i know makes you feel at ease

that's me

i'm here

watching

wanting

waiting

for you

always


	108. Ch 108, epilOgue 5

**~B~**

your absence fills me with bottomless holes

craters

canyons that i don't think can ever be filled

yet

i still look for you at the grocery

when i'm pumping gas

at school

i forget your gone

you're still so present in my heart

my mind

my every day

that when i remember

i break all over again

but i don't let it show

no one knows

it's more like a crumble

i sweep up the crumbs until i'm alone

then i pull out some of your old clothes

they doesn't smell like you anymore

but i hold them to my face and pretend

wish

remember

/ / /

lilyana is holding up so well

some days you're all she wants to talk about

i think she's afraid of forgetting

i see the the fear

i hear it in the questions she asks

and i reassure her

she will never

ever

forget you

as i will make sure of it

we often talk about you as though you're going to walk through the door any minute

sometimes we laugh

sometimes we cry

she calls me momma-bella now

she has for awhile

i love her as my own

her and masen

he looks just like you edward

everyday

i see you in him

he has your sly smile

your infectiousness laugh

he's so beautiful

and growing so fast

lily loves him

so protective over him

hates to leave his side

your mother lets lily stay with us a lot

esme has been really good to me

the other day she brought me a box of our belongings from your house

she finally has it up for sale

i can't drive down that street

that part of town

but in this box

was pictures

movies

books

clothes

and a ring

you had bought me a ring

an engagement ring

i slipped it on my finger

it's so stunning

i wear it every day

lilyana knew

she told me the story that day

the day she went with you to buy it

that memory

and we cried

we cried a lot that night

/ / /

masen will be three tomorrow

i wish you could see him

he knows your face

he knows you're daddy

he knows you are an angel now

and that you watch over him from heaven

which he points to in the sky

he mentions you in his prayers

and every night i try and tell him something new about you

a small story

a memory

i'm keeping you alive

you live in our hearts

in our dreams

and you will

forever


	109. Ch 109, epiloGue 6

**~B~**

i sit down beside your headstone

sometimes

i have so many things to tell you

i don't know where to start

/ / /

"you should see lily

she is so beautiful edward

there are guys calling the house all the time

she stays with me and masen almost every day

but she's a good girl

she does really well in school

high honors

she excited about graduating in a couple of months"

i close my eyes

take a deep breath

"and masen

he's a sports nut

he plays them all

he has your build

your long legs

big hands

long arms and fingers

but he's so graceful

and athletic

he's amazing

i know you'd be proud of him

i am"

/ / /

i look down at the ring on my left hand

"some people in town pity me

i see it

they look at me

like i'm sick

dying

they call me an unmarried widow

and then some of them encourage me to move on

i smile

say thank you

and go about my way

i'm fine

i'm not stuck anymore

my life is good

i have your family

and lilyana

and masen

and my dad is getting older

but he's still kicking

and i'm surrounded by so much love

i'm full

but i still miss you

love you

so much

that i can't even want to be with another man

date

move on

and i know it sounds crazy

but i swear i feel you in my life

you're here

aren't you?

sometimes i think i see you out of the corner of my eyes

and then when i dream

it's like you're right here

in the flesh and bones

and you touch me

and i hear your voice

your loving words

and in my dreams

we are together again

that gives me joy

strength

and i know moving on isn't necessary

not yet

or ever

i don't think i'm over you

i don't think i ever will be

not until my life is through

my last breath has emptied

i will always love you

always"


	110. Ch 110, epilogUe 7

_(i am crying happy tears that so many of you still GET THIS and don't hate it.. or me =)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

i bunch up my fancy dress

and scrunch down to your headstone

i ask you

"did you see lilyana today?"

the tears stream down my face

i don't even bother wiping them away

"did you see masen walk her down the aisle?

she was a vision

she had them play this song

she dedicated it to you

not a dry eye in the church

i'm sure her and mark are on a plane by now

and it's a late hour

i don't have long

but i wanted to share today with you

i can't help but think some days how our life would be different

if you were here

i bet we would have had more kids

a house full

and you'd have to find a different job

that mill work is too hard on you

maybe we could have moved

i could be a librarian anywhere

and in a few years

we could have grandchildren

doesn't that sound wonderful?

we could spoil them rotten

i miss you edward

every day

there's a special place in me

where your fingerprints still stain

your kisses still linger

your arms still hold

your whispers still repeat

it's a place in me

where a piece of you

will forever be a part of me

i love you

and i have faith

that one day

i'll see you again

and you know what?

i know that every day that passes

is one day closer to our reunion

and that is enough for me"


	111. Ch 111, epiloguE 8

_She wedded a man unlearned and poor,_  
><em>And many children played round her door.<em>  
><em>But care and sorrow, and child-birth pain,<em>  
><em>Left their traces on heart and brain.<em>  
><em>And oft, when the summer sun shone hot<em>  
><em>On the new-mown hay in the meadow lot,<em>  
><em>And she heard the little spring brook fall<em>  
><em>Over the roadside, through the wall,<em>  
><em>In the shade of the apple-tree again<em>  
><em>She saw a rider draw his rein,<em>  
><em>And, gazing down with timid grace,<em>  
><em>She felt his pleased eyes read her face.<em>  
><em>Sometimes her narrow kitchen walls<em>  
><em>Stretched away into stately halls;<em>  
><em>The weary wheel to a spinnet turned,<em>  
><em>The tallow candle an astral burned;<em>  
><em>And for him who sat by the chimney lug,<em>  
><em>Dozing and grumbling o'er pipe and mug,<em>  
><em>A manly form at her side she saw,<em>  
><em>And joy was duty and love was law.<em>  
><em>Then she took up her burden of life again,<em>  
><em>Saying only, "It might have been."<em>  
><em>Alas for maiden, alas for Judge,<em>  
><em>For rich repiner and household drudge!<em>  
><em>God pity them both! and pity us all,<em>  
><em>Who vainly the dreams of youth recall;<em>  
><strong><em>For of all sad words of tongue or pen,<em>**  
><strong><em>The saddest are these: "It might have been!"<em>**  
><em>Ah, well! for us all some sweet hope lies<em>  
><em>Deeply buried from human eyes;<em>  
><em>And, in the hereafter, angels may<em>  
><em>Roll the stone from its grave away!<em>

**An excerpt from Maud Muller **

**(a poem by John Greenleaf Whittier)**

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

i slowly sink down to sit on the brown faded grass

just as i do every saturday

my knees crackle and pop

and i say a silent prayer

that today won't be that day my back goes out

i let out a breath and a grunt

as the earth beneath me catches my weight

it's hard

and cold

and yet so comfortable

next to you

my lips curl at the corners

and small gust of wind whips around me

i shiver

say your name

you're teasing me again

i pull my scarf tighter around my neck

i look up to the overcast sky

the breeze ruffles through my thinning hair

i notice that the leaves are turning

the flowers around me have all lost their color

i don't say it aloud

but i'm thankful

it means another season is gone

past

i'm a little bit closer

you're a little bit closer

it's almost time

i just stare ahead at your name

carved in the marble

"i don't have long edward

the kids don't think it's safe for me to drive a car on my own anymore

and they're so busy

i know they won't bring me here much

i can't blame them really

but i miss you

more now that i'm older

seventy one

i'm closer to you now

i know it

i feel in my bones

your presence hovers over me

walks beside me

watches me

you're still here

aren't you?

you're waiting on me

right?"

/ / /

"mother

there you are

didn't we tell you to wait on us

lilyana or i will walk you down here

we don't want you to fall again"

i wave my hand at masen dismissing him

"psht

i didn't want to have to wait on you kids

just let me alone

let me be with your father"

masen bends down to my eye level

"i'm sorry mom

you just can't come down here anymore by yourself

please

promise me

from here on out you'll let one of us bring you"

i nod my head

and hope it won't be a problem for too much longer

as masen helps me up

i wink at your headstone

hoping you can read my thoughts

hear my prayers

i'm ready now

more so

than i ever have been

/ / /

i follow him to his car

he helps me in

my tears start to roll

now knowing how long it will be before i visit you again

i don't lose sight of your grave stone

he starts the car

i raise my aged fingers to the glass

and i whisper

to you

"the most i've ever accomplished

is that i outlived you

and that is enough

i'm ready

take me home"


	112. Ch 112, EPILOGUE 9, The End

_(so now you know, for it be WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, it could not BE...)_

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

(three months later)

"bella

bella

wake up"

i feel a faint tickle on my cheek

like the stir of air from the flight of a butterflies wings

i slowly open my eyes

"edward!"

my arms circle your neck

your arms find my waist

and hold

tight

"am i dreaming?"

i ask

afraid to move

to lose again

we separate a little

"you're not dreaming

but come on

get up

let's go"

you take my hand from your shoulder

place it in yours

i notice how warm it is

i look up to your eyes

still the same vibrant green

and your face

still so young

just like in all the pictures

and all my dreams

like the day you left me

i look down at our hands

they match

i gasp

and raise my hand closer to my eyes

inspect it

then i feel my face

my youth

has returned

this has to be a dream

you tug me

"let's go"

there's this warm glow all around you

i see people around us

but they are faint

blurry

muted

but i see them moving

shadows

i stop

frightened

you stop and turn

move closer to me

so smooth

floating

your hands find my cheeks

frame my face

"it's okay bella

i've been waiting for you

your home now"

and i realize

my body

feels lighter

airy

weightless

i look at you confused

"look"

you point

and i see lily

and masen

their children

and spouses

gathered around a fresh grave

they're talking

smiling as they cry

"listen"

you say

and i turn my ear

"mom

we love you

so much

we hope you find dad again"

i watch as they place roses on a headstone

my name carved there

next to yours

i gasp again

look at you as you laugh

it echoes around us

and then

it's like your laugh melts into my skin

"i

i'm dead?"

i ask

you tug my hand and start to walk us toward the glow

"that's one way to say it"

you smirk

"but what about the kids?"

i turn to look at them again

but they're gone

"the kids are good

they've been praying for this for a while now

they knew it was what you wanted

and we can keep watch over them together"

i'm lost in marvel

"really?

we can?"

i pull you close to me again

and hug you

hold you

feel you

it's been so long

"do i have anything to fear?"

i ask you

"no

nothing

you're with me now"

and i smile

and warmth floods my soul

"where are we?"

i question

"this is our forever bella

forever

no worry

no sorrow

no hurt

no time

it's just us

forever"

and i laugh

and it's so good

and i'm so happy

"finally"

* * *

><p><strong>~The End~<strong>

That's it.

That's a HEA if I ever saw one. (*grumbles*... stupid flamers)

Will I do this again? Probably. I'm going to miss it too much, all your reviews & encouragements & ppl waiting on me to post, it's kinda like crack, not that I would know...

Next for me: I have a chapter of Losing Game 95% ready, I'm going to finish The Dwyer House & Sandalwood & Juniper. I have a FAGE one shot & I'm going to donate a one shot with a college football E & a cheerleader B to Fandom for Texas, both due like within a month.

Beegurl & I have a colab we have to crackin on, it's another angst fest called My Unintended.

I'll be going to a BD party to meet some of you peeps & then I'll be in KY for a week, maybe ellewarden will let me use her lappy to write.

I'm going to have to go back and reread this all the way through, I've already forgot what I wrote.

I promise to not end all my fics this way, so it's safe for you to put me on author alert. I wish I could name you all ... you know who you are and beegurl, I hope this made you happy and sad at the same time, I love you.

Leave me a review...

Until next time,

~Stacy


	113. Chapter 113, Futuretake, The Meadow

_Rebadams7 wrote a o/s about Lilyana as an adult, In The Shadows, it is on my favs list. So read it. She did good.  
><em>

_Backstory: After I completed MHB, there were a few readers who suggested that I write an alternate ending, while others told me no, that I should leave it as it is. Well, there was THIS future-take that came to me & has always lingered in the back of my mind. About a month ago, I read a book titled **Heaven**** Is ****For**** Real****; ****A ****Little**** Boy****'****s**** Astounding ****Story**** of**** His**** Trip**** To ****Heaven ****and**** Back** by** Todd**** Burpo** (I highly recommend it, BTW) and my wheels begin to turn again. Then this weekend, I drove home to Kentucky to attend a funeral of a man who had been my sole grandparent for the past ten years or so, even if only by marriage, he was the only Papa I had left. At the funeral home, among our sadness of his passing, there was this heavy burden around us because of the family in the next parlor. They had lost their nine year old son by the hand of his eleven year old brother while the two had been playing with a gun. So, when I think of Papa, knowing he is now rejoicing in Mama's arms again, his life long true love, I think about that little boy too. And his parents. And his brother, and I can't help but feel sorrow. Then as I drove the four-plus hours home, it all kept running through my mind. So, I decided to let some of it spill here. I'm keeping my religious beliefs out of it, that's not what this chapter is about._

_It's just some angelic fluff, from my heart to yours on this Valentine's Day. Thank you all for your support, your reviews, your encouragement. Right now, I see this as the last time I will come back to **this** Edward & Bella other than going through MHB & finally beta-ing it. I'm starting to get that feeling that maybe my fanfiction door is closing soon, only time will tell._

_And of course, I have to mention my beegurl, this was all for her anyway. Words cannot express it Sweetie... I swear.  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>~B~<strong>

time

it's a thing of the past

only something that i once knew of

once feared and hated

now there are no more minutes

or hours

or days

maybe it's just that time is irrelevant

time no longer matters

it has no hold over us

we have forever

eternity

together

me and you

edward and bella

and forever is beautiful

and paradise is perfect

more so than i could have dreamed

i am happy

so

so happy

being with you now

was worth every tear

every rip of my heart

every sorrow that i lived

that now i can barely recall

i would go through it all again

even a thousand times worse

if the outcome leads to this

/ / /

my favorite is when we walk hand in hand

at that place where the grass is so green

and we don't talk

but i know your thoughts

as you know mine

and the land

the path beneath us never ends

my feet never tire

my legs never ache

oh

and when we get to peek in and watch the kids

lily and masen

and their families

their children

i've never been more proud

or satisfied

or loved

they have grown into wonderful people

the best parents

how did we get so lucky?

/ / /

under my favorite tree

in the middle of our meadow

i close my eyes

the warmth of the mild sun tickles my face

i love it

the way everything here is so magnified

how when a bird flies

you hear the gentle flap of its wings

like a soothing melody in your ears

how the air ripples from its motions

and you feel the breeze it makes glide across your skin

how when it sings its song

you feel the need to close your eyes and dance

/ / /

suddenly

i sense your nearness

your silhouette blocks the warmth

"edward?"

i ask as i open my eyes

you're standing before me with a small boy

his hand is in yours

he's beautiful

and i instantly recognize him

it's masen's son

his fourth child

and that means...

"come here sweet baby"

he comes to me

gentle and swift

he fills my arms

i start to rock

you sit on the ground beside me

your hand raises to comb through paul's hair

i kiss the top of his head

he still faintly smells of earth

and life

that won't stay with him for long

"how?"

i ask you without saying it aloud

"an accident with a gun"

and for just a second

i'm allowed to feel grief

and sadness

but it leaves me quickly

and i'm filled with relief

and joy

and love

"how is masen taking it?"

you reach out your arms to me and take Paul into your own

"why don't you go see for yourself"

you suggest

so i nod and stand

i walk down the valley

and trek up the small hill

i stand at the top and look down

i see all the earth and flesh and life

i lean forward a little

closer to masen and his home

he's almost forty now

he has a gray hair or two

i think he's put on a few pounds recently

it makes me grin

then he calls out my name

it's a desperate cry

a sob

that billows from the black of his heart

that hurting place

the hollow one

and i take a step forward

and then i'm right there with him

kneeling in his floor

praying with him for the pain of his heartbreak to lessen

with a shaky voice he speaks

"mom

you and dad

please look after paul for us

please mom

please"

i reach out and rub his back

i whisper in his ear that i'm here

i tell him it's all going to be all right

i promise to watch after paul forever

masen's crying calms a little

i continue to caress his back

whisper to him

continue to be his mother even after my death

then he lifts his head

his lip curl the slightest bit

and his cheeks raise

and he says three words

"thank you mother"

and i know he heard me

felt me

i know that he knows

i circle my arms around him one last time

i hug him

then i close my eyes

when i open them

i'm back with you

"edward

masen reminds me so much of you"

i gush

you smile and wink

"this little one has been asking a bunch of questions"

you say as you and paul stand

"oh really?"

i tilt my head to the side

paul takes off in a run across the meadow to see a family of rabbits that just came into our view

you step closer to me

your arms wind around my waist

your celestial body molds and melts into mine

we are as one

as we always were

always will be

your mouth is near my ear

you whisper my name

whisper your affections

whisper your love

paul's laughter fills the air around us

if i still had a heart

right now it would flutter

and my cheeks would warm

and i'd feel like i might die if you didn't kiss me soon

but i don't have a heart

or blood

or life

you kiss me anyway

your taste so sweet

so addicting

your presence so comforting

it's everything to me

if i had tears i would cry

because i am so happy

so loved

so full

complete

and even though i know our family is hurting

sad

thriving without hope

faith stretching thin

i know what is to come

i know how the battle ends

and i know that one day

this nirvana we share

will welcome the rest

and finally it will be

as it should

and there will be no more 'might have beens'

no more 'maybes'

only forever

and ever

**"Paradise is always where love dwells." ~ Jean Paul F. Richter**


End file.
